59 fifty

Time

2010-12-06T15:17:00.004+08:00

i miss cheering. I miss being a flyer, I miss doing stunts, I miss a whole lot of cheerleading but like i said to myself a million times, There is no time for me regret, Feel sad about now. So i'll end this topic here.

Elyne's Birthday chalet just ended as ya'll should mostly know already. Next up is zouk-out. I am soooo looking forward to that. My last party. :))

IF you are lucky to come across my blog, Here the thing. I'm getting enlisted in december. Which so happens to be this month ! :)
YAY! -___-"
No meaning. Anyways, It's on the 14th. So yeah. I'm left with 8 more days. I know i haven't told alot of people yet, but it's alright. You'll find out when you find out.

Other then that, i'm not gonna be thinking about much things. Although there's a ton of things going through my mind. take care!

Busy busy

2010-09-15T08:52:00.003+08:00

The nicest Family picture i have with me for this year's raya. It's been a nice one this year. For once, in a very long time. I felt good, I felt nice. It's been so long since i felt that way.

Anyways, I've been super busy this whole week. With dance practices and all. Yes, i'm back. Haha ! What? It's been long okay? 2 Competitions. 2 Different practices. Stresses me out definitely but i'm handling it slowly. First up, Smack that 3. This saturday.
Next would be Jim Beam dance competition. My heats will fall on the 8th of October. Yeap! Finals will fall on the 22nd of October. That's if, Hopefully we get in the finals. :)

Till then, Selamat Hari Raya to all my muslim friends. XoXO.

It's been long

2010-08-31T03:53:00.004+08:00

My last post was marked : Sunday, February 07, 2010.

Now that's a very long time ago. I've been trying to figure out why i stopped blogging back then which resulted in almost giving up this blog, till now. But i got my answers. I was totally messed up back then, not saying i'm not messed up anymore. But it isn't that bad anymore. I was stuck back then. I couldn't find my way out that torturous hole. If there was one thing i could be grateful for, it would have to be my friends. For sticking around me when i needed it most. That was one thing i shouldn't have compromised.

I'd be lying if i couldn't face up to the fact that i miss that person alot. But it's different now. It's a different feeling all together. A feeling i wouldn't be able to explain. Which i don't have to bother getting into that subject now.

It's Fasting Month now, then it's gonna be Raya. It's been moving so quickly. The days seems so little this time. I haven't gotten a single thing yet. Well, i was close to getting my baju but the store-keep just had to piss me off. Maybe it's a sign telling me not to get something that expensive costing up to $200 & something that I'm gonna be wearing for only a few times a year. MAYBE. Haha ! -__-"

Oh ! Did i mention that i got a job already? LOL. It's the longest running job. HAHA! No, seriously. This subject is so funny, Just saying ! & Anyways, I'm super not happy working there. Pfft. It's so irritating. I get so pressurized everytime i start work. So there-fore, I'm leaving. HAHA! i don't care. Why? Because my parents can support me. It's what they keep saying anyways. So why not ? I'm used to that life anyways. But before ANYONE wanna say i'm a USELESS guy, living of FAMILY, JOBLESS FUCKER, NO FUTURE or whatever. This is for you.. TOO BAD YOUR FAMILY CAN'T SUPPORT YOUN ALRIGHT? HAHAHHAHAHA! :))

Thanks !

Impossible

2010-02-07T22:52:00.002+08:00

I miss something like this, I miss this type of things so badly.
No, infact. I miss you, So much.

Whenever i think of you, I wonder if you ever did think of me. I Never thought things would have gone this way. I thought things were "perfect". I thought things were going the right way. The way I wanted things to be. But no, Things just went 360 degree's. Things went the other way. We don't do the things we normally do anymore. It's not that i ask alot, I was being so caution about how you felt, and how you wanted things to be. I Gave in. But still? Is it because of what happened? Is it because of what i did? Please don't tell me it's because of what i did.

I've put so much thoughts into this, I went through what i felt. What i really wanted. But then again, Stupidly. I'm holding on the the thinnest line i could ever have held on to. I don't know what i'm doing so don't ask me. I'm just walking into something i've been holding on to.

Next upcoming party will be on the 12th! YAY! It'll just be me and the girls.
Me, Fiqa, elyne and farrah will be heading to Dbl O! We've been planning this and what to wear everything. It's so gonna happen. I've yet to call idah though. Later then. LOL! :))

party mode

2010-01-06T02:21:00.004+08:00

Parties after parties since november last year. Or even earlier if i can remember. =) I've been enjoying my life alot. And so many people are leaving us for that stupid national service, which soon or later, me myself will be serving it, Scary shit. =(

I'm back to dancing again! Dancing with Mael, Mas, Wan & haiqal this time. This saturday at bishan. If i'm not wrong. The location is at Junction 8, lvl 3. 5pm, Support freakcase! =) heh! And also Ryna & Fir's Duo. =) Stress-vibes coming already! =)) LOVES!

This saturday, party with mastura and gang. I so can't wait. But wait, That's if i can enter. LOL!

Anyhoo.. I miss so many people right now! =(

First up, I miss my girls. All 4 of them. So much. Sighs. It's been so tough to get all 5 of us together now. But i won't stop trying to get us together. Well, so should you guys. i love you girls. =)

I miss nisak . It's been so long since i met her. It's always at her workplace, But that's also if i went down to esplanade to chill. Which i/we Haven't been doing that alot. Well, especially at that place. LOL. I miss her laughter and all. I miss having supper with her. IMY babe. =)

I miss sphyntrix, i miss flying. I miss doing tosses and stunts. GOSH!

& last but not least, i miss you. Alot. Don't forget the promise, cause trust me. I won't. =) I so can't wait till you're back. Heh!

Assurance was all i needed, and i got it. thank you.

Happy Birthday Fiqa!

2009-10-21T03:09:00.015+08:00

You know i love you Fiqa! Happy 18th birthday! =) I wish you the best of the best in everything you do. LOL! Hope you enjoyed your "Mini" Celebration with all of us at St.James that day. Although i know you wanted every single one of the girls to be there with you to celebrate, i hoped my presence with Farrah took over their places that night and also Not forgetting everyone else that was there to actually party with you on your birthday. =) LOVES!

So Fiqa's birthday celebration at St.James that night was a blast. I had so much fun. Thankfully all of us had enough cash to make each and everyone of us high. LOL! =)) Even-thou fiqa was drunk at the last part, I'm sure she enjoyed every second of that night. AHA! And also the songs that night played a big part too! I had so much fun! We shall ALL go again alright? =)

And also, The night before St.James night. I went to dbl O, HAHA! I know, i'm crazy. So i had literally 2 days worth of alcohol/drinking from clubbing in my body. Makin me feel like shit i tell you. I was soooo damn thirsty after the party at St.James when i woke up. Went With Yaya, Dinah & fifie, At first i didn't want to go, but dinah wanted to pay for everything, soooo.. yeah, i went! That night was also awesome. Although i thought i hated the crowd, i kinda enjoyed it that night! hehe! And no, whatever happened, didn't happen. tskk. =) Me and yaya were fucking drunk lah!
Thanks guys for that nice nice night. And also a big big thank you to dinah for paying for me that whole night!

Anyways, before forgetting about Raya, Let me just do a short update. HAHA!
Raya was one of the best this year. With Ramlah's raya being so so so much fun And also X's Raya. This has to be the best year yet, really. =)
Here are some of the pictures.

Pictures for both The St.james And Raya pictures from Fiqa camera is finally with me. Will post them up on FB soon. Go grab them aite. Don't thank Fiqa, thank me. HAHAH!

awesome

2009-10-13T06:08:00.012+08:00

One of the most happiest day of my life. I enjoyed the whole night & day with them. loves!
Quote from me and the girls, " eh, kiter sumer lawa2, handsome2 eh? takde yg satu burok. " HAAHAA! =))

Anyways, to a few of you.. The reason why you're still in this/your "nonsense" is because
you CHOOSE to not get out of it And carry on living life.
YOU choose to live in misery yet trying to make things better,
but the reason why it doesn't is because.. You don't want to.

another quote, "bestfriends forever even if each of us are married k?"

alright, thats all!
Will update on all the hari raya things once i get the pictures from FIQA.
Please send lah! Hehe!

=)

*i think i'm falling back, i miss you.

sell us short

2009-10-09T04:38:00.007+08:00

There is always a reason why i change my blogskin.
This time there is one. But i guess i'm Not talking about it.

we all think we're gonna be great.
and we feel a little bit of wrath when our expectations aren't met.
but sometimes, our expectations sells us short.
sometimes the expected simply pales in comparisons to the unexpected.
you gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations.
because the expected is what keeps us steady, standing still.
the expected is just the beginning.
the unexpected is what changes our lives.

Gonna update a longer one next time.
So busy, and i'm getting sick of being busy. I SWEAR.
I hate being in this, i hate being around "them".
I swear.
And thing is, I'm not a person to give up halfway.
But this time, I really want to.

bye

2009-09-19T02:37:00.003+08:00

If you're hinting me. I GET IT. fuck you. *point middle finger to the screen*

If it so happens you were talking about me. We shall talk. Come, i've had enough. Sickening.

If you read this and think it's you. Call me. We talk. I also not happy.
Infact, i've not been in a happy mood for 2 days. Thanks. Because reading what i had to read made me more angrier. Thus, fuck you again.

What? not happy? eh, Sudah lah. GO AND DIE.

I FUCKING GIVE UP.

This is gonna sound sooo primary school,
Friend not friend. I don't fucking care no more. UNDERSTOOD?
Want to play like that kan? good and goodbye.

Staying away

2009-09-17T20:47:00.006+08:00

One of the Happier moments of life.

It's weird that when you don't meet up with a few of your close ones for quite sometime.

It's like a million of things change.
It's like whatever a person says, meant a million.
It meant like so much that you can't handle.
It's UN-understandable.
It's like they don't know me at all. Which is weird.

Weird-er thing is, Sometimes people themselves don't understand how much,

I miss them.

And it looks like as-thou it's all my fault.
I'll keep mum. I'll shut it from now on.

In time to come

2009-09-10T06:05:00.003+08:00

It's not like i'm distance-ing myself from people on purpose. But i think something is really wrong with me now. Something weird. Something i myself don't understand. I hate this. I really do. It's just that, Some people really pisses me off real badly. I don't think i'm being sensitive, i really don't.

I HATE THIS BIG TIME.

You people

2009-09-02T23:11:00.000+08:00

I no longer bother with making things any better. I'm sick of trying to fight for what I think I should have or should have had..

Your comments are not needed. I don't need to hear anything from you or from your mouth. Guess what? It's true that I don't respect you, get that in your thick skull. Stop being old fashion. I've had more than what I could have handled. Then again, there's dressing old fashion and just thinking like one. You think like one so bad.

Is it my fault that the comments I give nowadays to you people my problem when it's you people who act like one. Fuck, i've had enough. I don't need people like you guys around. Fuck off. I'm sick of it, big time. You guys might just be surprised that i'm talkin about you people. Fuck sia.

Enough is enough.

expect

2009-08-25T05:30:00.004+08:00

Without expectations there will be no disappointment.

Thats one of my motto's in life which i've been trying to live up to.
It's tough, really tough cause i mean. Everyone has expectations. Even me, Expectations that are beyond my reach. So yes, i've gotta stop, Stop expecting. Then there will be no disappointment.

3 Days has passed for the fasting month. And i've not given up one yet. I'll keep persevering ! LOL !

Another Street clap performance at raffles This friday. I'll finally get to meet up with Ryna, Mas & Mael! YAY! It's been so long since i met anyone of them. WoooHooo!! "We are the city girls" LOL!!
Stupid busok girl from planet smelly armpits! HAHAHAH!

Another dance thingy, Gosh! Spotlight is canceled. Dammitttt! I've been looking forward to spotlight practices sia. And now!!? Cancel. Never mind, We shall enter another competition using this piece that we never got to use okay! =) FreakCase love. =)

As for cheer practices. I've not been turning up. Due to some reasons. But this wednesday. I will TRY to go down if those reasons doesn't come up that is, No promises. =)

And also, Something i've been hoping never to happen again in my life came back. If it doesn't go away. I'm afraid i might continue to live in it again. Please don't.

*Those stares that you give, *Melts* Make me go crazy.

Mickey baby!

Never ever

2009-08-20T05:41:00.004+08:00

Apparently, i've been staying home. I don't have the mood to go out, even if i wanted to. I've been siting home and just doing nothing. Just like someone with no life. Is it because i chose to? Or is it because there is no where to go to? I don't know myself.

To someone, Fuck you. Apparently whatever you said isn't true. Isn't it obvious you just want to make yourself look good? But it isn't. How stupid or dumb can a person get as they grow older. Most people grow older & become wiser. You just grow to become a waste of resources to the society. You grow to become a shame, You grow to become a fake. I hope you don't make it in the industry. Oh wait, from where you're standing, You are already nothing, So FAT HOPE. Even if you do, You won't be respected one bit. Even if it's not from people. You will never gain respect from me.
If i were to see you outside, Obviously i will fake to be a nice person, just like you are. fucker.

To you, I wish i could tell you this moment, Wish i could tell you how i feel. But knowing what i already know, I feel stupid myself.

Street clap at raffles next week. Cool shit. Can't wait. =)

And now back to my taiwan drama, It's the last episode, And i'm sure to cry. Like i already did way back in the other episodes. Call me emo shit, But it's normal isn't it?? =)

* i miss you, i really do.

No plans.

2009-08-18T00:45:00.003+08:00

Plans for the week?

1 . Tuesday - Go to changi hospital for 2nd medical checkup, After that, go home.

2 . Wednesday - Maybe dance practice if things at home goes smoothly If not, stay home.

3 . Thursday - No plans, stay home again.

4 . Friday - Maybe watch movie. But still not confirm. If not stay home.

And the same for saturday and sunday. Someone help me. I'm gonna die of boredom. The only thing that is keeping me company is my taiwan drama. Which is SOOOOO CUTE!!! =)

Other then that, NOTHING. Tuesday which is later is my stupid medical checkup. All the way to changi hospital at 9.40am. This is so stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. Who goes to the hospital so early in the morning. And why of all places CHANGI.

I keep thinking of you no matter what i keep doing. I've tried all means but nothing works. Tskk, like always, DUH. Irritating..

impossible?

2009-08-12T23:43:00.003+08:00

What if i say i want to tell you right this moment..?

What if i told you, i want to pick up my phone and call you to tell you?
And also, What if i said, All i need right now is a sign from you to say that you're ready? Ready to accept what i need to say, Without treating me like a different individual?

I can't take it any longer. When i'm sitting down staring at the screen of my laptop or the tv, It's like you just pop out of nowhere in my mind. It irritates me. I swear.

But like i said before.. You wouldn't even know it's you. So why am i hoping for something i know i might never get? Why am i holding on to that small hope? And what's worst is, I know this might never happen. Sigh..

I feel like an idiot. Big time.

I don't know if it's me or is it mickey, My rabbit. Something is wrong with him, He's just not so active anymore. I feel like crying, sigh.

how?

2009-08-04T20:03:00.001+08:00

At least now i know. At least now you've finally said it.
Sigh.

* i was waiting.

Should i?

2009-08-03T22:28:00.003+08:00

How would i know what your answer would be. All i could think of was " Rejection " .
It's it obvious that u don't like me? Isn't it more obvious that you're still stuck with someone else? God.
I don't think i can take it any longer. I don't think i can keep this in anymore. I don't know what to expect or what to say or to do. I want to give up, again.

*you don't realise do you?

Stupid stupid thought

2009-07-29T04:27:00.010+08:00

A new-er post with same pictures won't kill.

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Get it?

(favourites)

Why is it that whatever i just read doesn't make me feel one bit happy? Why is it that suddenly i just feel so upset. I feel disappointed? But thing is, I shouldn't even feel this way, why? Because you'd think it's wrong, People will think it's wrong, And inface/infact, i myself think it's kinda wrong.

Maybe, just maybe.. i wanna be the one inside, instead of some others? Maybe it's just because i want to be the one "there" instead. You'd be surprise. Because it's you instead of YOU that i acutally stupidly had to "like". Funny and weird but yes. You won't find out, and i don't intend to tell you. I don't wanna ruin anything now. Not now, Maybe not ever.

So maybe i should just shut it, keep my eyes to myself. Just ignore. Ignore is what i do best anyways... but just at points.

So if you think it's you, think again. And then there's you which isn't at all. And there's another you which is even more isn't. It's just you.

* & i don't think this would have even cross your mind.

Da Sho Case 8

2009-07-27T04:04:00.009+08:00

Freak-Case.

And YES! Saturday was the dance competition i've been practicing for, Da Sho Case 8!
It went well. It went way better then we expected, especially for me.
Freak-case is THE group to be. HAHAHAHH!
I had so much fun practicing for it, Happens to be the first one. Had loads of fun and laughter. Stress vibes & Stress card game. WoooooHoooo! Freak-Case LOVE!

Next Up, Another competition at a CLUB!! HAHA! There's Pro's & Con's to this competition. But i guess i'm still gonna party! HAHA! It's at DXO this time, not DBL O. Shaddayma! I'm still gonna have fun, DON'T CARE! -___-" *With those eyes*

Shahrul, you need to stop getting yourself affected over something that has nothing to do with you at all, already. You need to stop being irritated by things that doesn't make sense at all. You need to NOT think about it. You need to stop thinking. You've just got to just stop.
I got a reply, like always. And this is my only reply to you *middle-finger-up*, FUCK you. Whatever lah. Like always, a one time thing, again. So no point. -___-"

HAHA! Thats all. I just wanted to update for fun, I HAD NOTHING TO DO AT ALL. TSKK.

Now, For the pictures from the Da Sho Case 8. LOVES! =)

*you'd be surprise, but too bad you won't get to find out! idiot!

Show off

2009-07-23T04:25:00.004+08:00

You'd know when someone is actually showing off right infront of you. Just because you got better things doesn't really mean you've got a better personality. Just because you THINK you can do better doesn't really mean you'd do better. Walking pass you that day just pisses me off. You know what? Forget it, It isn't worth talking about this. TSK.

It coming soon. It's in 2 days time. I'm nervous, very nervous. And it's sad because the ones that i want to be there won't be there. I don't wanna touch on that matter, so whatever. But back to the topic.. Yes, i'm nervous. Why the hell am i feeling this? It's not like this is my first time doing it, Or the first time i'd be on that " stage ". Nope. But i'm nervous.. Maybe just because i want it to be a good one, I guess?

I'm always 2nd guessing myself. I'm always thinking too much. I'm always thinking about things that aren't worth thinking about. Seriously, It's affecting me. Always affecting me, in fact. I know all this things aren't suppose to be out in the public but whatever. I'd get over it like how i always get over all the other things. Fuck it. That's all. Fuck it. So if some of you are thinking about using these few things against me, forget it. HAH!

Dah lah. Thats all. =)

I miss JustByLuck suddenly. HAHA!
And i miss Sphyntrix, I miss flying and shouting like i'm the "boss", And scolding people. HAHAHAH!

tsk

2009-07-12T22:36:00.005+08:00

I just have to blog & So i got up. I've been rolling on my bed, left and right, left and right.
Thing is, i haven't been able to stop thinking about this. Why is it that although something is over, And when something finally stopped. I'm still stuck in this, Why is it that i have to keep going through whatever happened in my mind over and over again?
Why is it that i keep on thinking about it? when i should be happy about this? Why is it that i feel like i was the problem this time round? I don't know what to say or what to do.

As much as i know how much problems would arise if it did happen. Why is it that i feel like i wouldn't give a shit, Why is it that i feel like i wouldn't care what others would be thinking? I feel shitty, so damn shitty. I feel like crap. And why is it that i had to dream of something just now that is so close to my situtation but even worst. And its as though my dream was trying to tell me something?

Why have i done this time now?

Fuck.

st.james, farrah

2009-07-10T02:50:00.005+08:00

So it was an awesome night last night with farrah at St.james.

It was fun while it lasted. We danced like got no tomorrow like that. Although it was just the two of us. It would have been so much fun if the girls were with us. Or maybe with the girls and ALL the party go-ers. GOD! But still, it was an ala-ala bonding time with farrah. HAHA! So much fun. Should go again sometime. Although there was a minah dancing like some zombie opposite of me, She had some groove. SOME only. HAHAH!

You were there, you spoilt it. You spoilt my fun. You totally did. You had to do what you did, You had to make me feel like shit. But thank god i was not SO affected by it. You don't know what you were saying, you just have no idea. Maybe i was wrong but maybe, just maybe i wasn't. Why i didn't want to cry? Because i didn't want to spoil my night with farrah. Thank god she was there. Thank god she sang to make me feel better. *just get back up when it knocks you down* Thank you gf. Thank you so much. =)

I miss my girls. All 5 of us. All those fun we would have. All those laughter. I miss all that. I miss school, but not because of the teachers or the school. But it's because of SCHOOL, which allow all 5 of us to sit down and just have fun with each other. SIGH.

club?

2009-07-06T22:05:00.009+08:00

The before.

And the after! As you can see in this pic. I mananged to dance with my girls, Fiqa, Elyne & Farrah. LOVES!

Finally a new week has begun. And it's monday today, but guess what? I entered this week with a big bang. With 3 weeks straight of partying at DBL O With all my greatest friend.

The 1st week With Fiqa and farrah. The Next with Elyne and Farrah. last but not least, the best with all 3. Also not forgetting Fie, Mael and ayeen around, Oh and not forgetting MASTURA. Wasn't it great? Whatever happened inside was left inside. All 3 weeks was one of the best. With Friends, alcohol and ciggs. I guess it was more then enough.

Why is it that i have to keep noticing your behaviour around a certain someone? Why is it that everytime i there you had to do something that irritates the hell outta me?
And why is it that it's as thou i'm being replaced by you? Don't you know that it really makes me pissed off? I'm the one that deserves to be there, not you. You're only there because you had no where to go. SO FUCKING know where you fucking stand. Don't get in my way. Thank you! But then again, NO THANKS.

Here are some of the pictures from all 3 nights of clubbing! =) LOVES! The rest are all up on FB!

Dah! thats all! LOVES!

Birthday.

2009-06-25T01:27:00.003+08:00

And so it's already 2 hours pass my Short and simple but lovely 18th birthday.

Happy? Yes, very much. With my brother and ESPECIALLY my mum.

Surprised? Yes, thanks to my 2 gf's, Fiqa and Elyne for surprising me at the stairs with brownie and candle. Oh and things went funny at the stairs. HAHAH! =) also thanks once again to elyne who pulled my hair for 21 seconds when actually i turned 18, not 21. tskk. =) Stupid girl!!!!! HAHAHAHA!

I guess thats all i could have asked for? Although there was this other thing i wished happened but didn't.
Oh and yes, i've changed blogskin. haha! and no, it's not because it's my birthday.

Mother.

*you didn't say a thing.

uno dos dres

2009-06-21T10:49:00.002+08:00

DYK LOVE!

So that was before we had to perform. Now after looking at Video which is already up in facebook under haiqal's profile, i think/belive we did a very good job guys! LOVE!

And and so that group picture above is super nice isn't it? But guess what? The aftermath of the competition was a disaster. The ALCOHOL took over quite a few of us And i tell you it was horrible. It took over me too. God! i was all over the place. But before i got drunk i managed to party my ass off, Was able to dance with EVERYONE. Thank god for that part.

Especially dancing with a few of my favorites! heheh! Damn was is such fun! =) I enjoyed that whole night that night. A night which i'll never forget. I love every single one of you DYK, and also to those who came down to support. =0 LOVES!

And now for some of the pictures taken that night. =) The rest are in my facebook album or mastura's. =) WOOOHOOO! And yes, we did live up to our motto,
Dance hard, PARTY HARDER. WAY HARDER I TELL YOU.

TO end the post, Here's the last picture~!

Drunkards, Told you. AHAHAHAHHAH!

*Party...

Jim beam

2009-06-18T07:18:00.002+08:00

Hey guys!
I'm back, yes i am. Hahah! For the moment only.

ANYWAYS,
Preparing for Jim Beam dance competition, It's getting abit frustrating here and there but i'm sure i'll be able to handle it. Sure can, I guess? HAhAH!
It's freaking tomorrow sia. And we're almost done, today's practice have to pay off well. Get everything prepared and done. YES!

Cheerleading wise, Definately i'm missing it. Missing the thrills and chills of flying. HAHA! Will be back people but not anytime soon. Gonna take a break after dance competition. I have to or i'll fall sick again. That's not very good now is it? So yeah, no worries. I'll be back, i think? HAHA! =)

So tomorrow, Friday, Jim beam, Dbl O, 10 pm.
Crew name - DYK.
Come on people we can do this!! So the details is there. Competition starts at 10. So come alright people! We can PARRTYYYY! Thats our motto for tomorrow! =)
Support us!

LOVES,
Daymie "cullen"
HAHAHAHH!

*you're back aren't you?

geram only.

2009-06-13T14:15:00.002+08:00

I wanna blog but i know if i blog NOTHING nice is gonna come out. Maybe not now but soon.. just till that point till i cannot take it anymore. You got one big name for you... " FUCKING BIG SUCKLING PUKIMAK PIG "

Alamak.. geram only. NVM. Forget it. I'll blog bout that next time..
Cannot cannot.. must tahan.. If not ah..

Anyways.. I've been very busy with dance recently. Busy practicing ALMOST everyday, gonna go crazy. hahaha.
This coming friday, 19th June. @ DBL O, DYK CREW.

Thats all.
=)

To that person.. Eh, you're nothing lah.. Honestly. You ARE nothing. Get it? tsk..

CHEERFEST 09!

2009-06-03T06:03:00.006+08:00

SPHYNTRIX

Yes the SKM pictures are in. It's so nice!!
With thailand performing for both days, Such an eye opener. Also not forgetting wildcards, denvers, VJknights, Alpha Verse Competiting with us. It's been such a fun journey. It was a tiring yet enjoyable one. I wouldn't trade anything for it. =)

Practice wouldn't resume so soon as many of us are gonna be taking a VERY long break. So sad! But nevertheless, Those who can still come for practice do come if there is one. Don't stop cause you might lose it people!!!

Alright enough talk, enjoy the pictures! Oh and sphyntrix!! We're inside razortv!! SO COOL!!!! We're shown 2 times! And its so nice!!! =) EnjoY!

HEHE!

To end things off, My favourite picture! =)

SPHYNTRIX LOVE!

SKM 2009!

2009-06-01T06:44:00.003+08:00

For the moment just bear with these pictures. Original SKM 2009 pictures will be in soon! =)

And so Skm 2009 FINALS comes with a bang this time.
We won third and i'm proud of the team. Practice was hard and last minute but we pulled it off. I'm so glad i join this year, yet again. but this time with a different squad from last year. Last year was with fantastic crew and this year, Back with my old Squad, SPHYNTRIX. We did great guys. =)

OH! AND YAY!! FINALLY ME AND DINIE CAN DO TOSS UP ONE MAN!!! YAY!!!!

HAHAH! oh, and pictures will be up soon, And i have to be prepared for the worst.. My computer might just crash the moment all the pictures are in. CONFIRM NO SPACE FOR ALL!!!!! AHAH!

takecare!

Part 2 of previous post.

2009-05-13T01:02:00.003+08:00

Here's my part 2 from my previous post. Yes, Geram.

Angry and feeling shitty is what i'm feeling.
Today/tomorrow/wednesday is the day where i decide which i'll finally go to for the 30th may. It's either cheer or dance this time. I've had enough. I want to go down to cheer practice but the feeling i get from cheer currently is so fucked up. Dammit siak.

I'll choose tomorrow. Decided.

Sick and tired SPEECH

2009-05-12T00:18:00.006+08:00

Bloody hell. I've been offended and yet i don't say anything. I know you're smart but i'm not stupid either. If you were ever in MY shoes, maybe. Just maybe you'd understand what i feel or what i've BEEN going through for the past 3 years. It's been the same.

You had to bring up the issue on work and school. Oh come on. Lets put this in a different but somewhat the SAME situtation. You guys are willing to join us on your own free will right? okay. So, lets say.. You join a course at a CC, say.. AIKIDO. Okay, And there's a instructor right? okay. Well, he's not your friend, he's only your instructor right? Or Maybe friends AFTER practice when it's got nothing to do with aikido.

And also, Lets say u work everyday. And you've got aikido practice every monday, wendesday and friday. A total of 16 people is currently in the course. And you come to practice all the time.

But some other people Just don't come or they just come late ALL THE TIME.
DO U ACTUALLY GO UP TO THEM AND SAY/COMPLAIN... " I work everyday and i can still come to practice and yet you can't, I'm working and im tired yet i can still come on time, WHY CAN'T YOU !!? "
Am i suppose to understand your situation when YOU yourself choose to join this team THIS WAY? In the first place I SHOULDN'T EVEN GIVE A DAMN!
If you can't handle, don't join.

Let me remind you, YOU JOIN ON YOUR OWN FREE WILL.

Don't expect me to understand your situation cause i'm not suppose to. I'm your Member in the squad. You're you're good friend after practice. And i won't.
Don't complain. It's an irritant. well, it looks like i'm lucky that i'm not schooling or working.

Right?

I'm talking as what i am in something NOT as a FRIEND.
Just something PROFESSIONAL, nothing PERSONAL.
Well, maybe personal.

Oh and one more thing to ADDRESS before i end my SPEECH.
This doesn't go out to one person. This goes out to all that has ever used the work/school excuse me. Thanks alot.

Wings of an angel

2009-05-06T06:00:00.003+08:00

There's just too many things in my mind right now.

And also, i'm missing so many people. Like right now, Especially My Girls right now. Yes, i'm missing them so much. Really.

I don't know what is it that i'm feeling right now. But one things for sure, i feel... Lost.

confidence issue.

2009-04-23T21:30:00.003+08:00

SKM is coming in a month's plus. Scary shit. Somehow, i don't have the confidence in me like how i used to. It's stressing. The back is feeling much better, but it's also thanks so something that numbs the pain, won't go much into it. That's all.

Other then that, there's something i'm feeling inside, thing is.. I just don't feel dance in me anymore. As much as i want to dance, i just don't feel it in me anymore. I don't know why. It's something difficult to explain. I know i sound stupid right? but, i really don't know why.

When we bring up the issue about ego and selfishness. I have a couple of friends that are just like that. All they think about is them and them themselves. No one else. It's like when you're in something or a team or whatever. You work as one, Not as an idividual. Complain, complain and complain. You are a fucker , you are a egoistic person, You're a selfish person, you're a ccb. TSKK.

So i end my post with pictures from last week's cheerleading performance at woodlands. Fun fun fun. =)

Loves,
Daymie cullen. =)

how bout it

2009-04-16T18:09:00.003+08:00

Given my current situation. It's only right that i went to party. In fact, it's only right that i go clubbing. To drink and to have fun. To do what i wanna do, no i'll rephrase, to do what i feel like doing. It's so stressful. Going to practices were suppose to make me smile, It's suppose to make me feel, happier. But i feel demoralised, i feel useless and in fact, i feel like i can't do anything. I feel so stupid.

I got myself tipsy last night, and it felt good. I wanna live my life that way. I feel like there isn't any other. Call me stupid, call me an idiot. But is there really? any other way? tskk.

Here's the pictures from last night's clubbing, we didn't manage to take any inside because we totally forgotten about it, we kept dancing and drinking and all. Overall, st.james was great fun. Oh, and i managed to dance with mazree also. HAAH! =)

How exactly

2009-04-14T22:57:00.003+08:00

When it comes to something called commitment. I belive i've committed enuf. More then enuf actually. It's so sickening when it has something to do with a group but not all commits like how me and some others commit. I won't state name nor bring in names. Everyone wants to win, everyone wants to get to the top. But seriously, reality check. I don't think this is the way. In fact, i give up. no more.

Why is it that i have my back problems and i still CAN turn up? tskk. selfish fuckers.

I'm sick and tired of not being able to tell you things. Sick and tired of not being able to talk to you. I'm just sick of not being around with you. It's not the same, anymore.

You're not the only one angry here. In fact, i WAS mad. I gave up. it's a totally different thing. Im not there because i want to be better but because i have to be there. Like it said, It's a totally different thing.
Passion? i was the one with it.

Once a fucker, always a fucker.

I just wanna take my revenge. My vengence.

-Daymie cullen.

phobia

2009-04-09T23:30:00.002+08:00

It has taken a big turn for me in something that i loved so much, it's become a phobia. Im now scared and afraid. Yes, i wanted to do alot, i wanted to be daring. But not this way. This isn't the way for me. I used the belive in trusting, but no more. I no longer trust. I used to be a dare-devil. But not anymore. Not when i've finally hurt my back from this. Not when i can't bend front or back.

I'm never gonna try it again. I scared of going backwards now. Be angry at me but you guys will never understand what im feeling now. I'm not seeking for pityness. But i hope when i say no from now on, it hopes that you'll understand. Like i said, it's not that i do not wanna do all the wow things, it's not that i do not want to do the things that i see and be amazed at. But it's just that i'm finally feeling scared.

I'm sorry. but this isn't what i wanted or what i expected. No, not this way.

SKM video

2009-04-08T04:51:00.002+08:00

Sphyntrix at SKM 2009. Semi finals here we come! Here's the Prelims Vid.

Just wanted to upload the cheer vid. Finally i uploaded it. =)
ENJOY!

LOVE

2009-04-07T17:11:00.004+08:00

Random post, i warned you. Don't bother reading if don't like ar. HAH!

I'll be out today, gonna leave my emotions *drama* at home. I'll be out with my husband MR "edward-cullen" and a few of my own personal friends. =) gonna go enjoy ar sial. HAH!

To mell, i think you've forgotten that i'm the one and only bella. Apparently, i'm not surprised that he visits you too, i think you've forgotten how fast he can "run,walk,fly" or whatever. He visits me till i sleeps then he leaves cause i don't want him to hear whatever i'm saying in my sleep. So shy lah. he visits you only because i'm asleep and also because i asked him too. OMG LAH. so sweet lah kan he!! =0 AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I know, drama. SHUUTUP!

So ? read already kan? Ape lagi? tag lah, this goes out to Ryna, Mastura aka busok girl, Mell also because of edward, Elyne. Yeah this few only. The rest wanna tag. tag arh. =)

HAHA!

edward cullen

2009-04-04T06:28:00.004+08:00

I know im "slow" & "late" in reading twilight, The story book and infact i just watched the movie too just yesterday. It's gotten me so into it and so disturbing/concentrated on something. It's kinda affecting me. I've cried two nights straight without fail. It's like taking a medicine that makes a person so drowsy. It allows me to sleep well. I watched Grey's anatomy again. The season finale of season 3. Which happens to make me cry tonight. It's so.. sad. The pain. *dramatically sick. LOL.

I'm not disturbed. I'm just feeling so much sadness. =/

I've been trying and trying and trying. What is it that i've not tried? Even though i've tried letting go and in fact i keep telling myself to stop telling myself to let go. Sickening. Really it is. So what is it again thats stopping me? I have no idea myself.

I'm reading the book now infact. Like mael says, it's so amazing how the author describes their emotions/feelings and how does one individual looks like. So i'm wondering, how does a person do that and live thier lives like any other human when everyone's the same? TSKK. I'm not understanding what i'm saying. I just needed to let it out.

BTW, Mael. i repeat i'm bella. i'm in love with edward cullen. OMG. HAHA. so hot sia. =0 HAHAHAHHA!

This just happens to be a random post. Thanks for reading.

Claps@ raffles & Yuhua danceComp

2009-04-01T00:42:00.002+08:00

It was so hectic the last whole week. There was the street claps event at raffles. And also Yuhua CC dance competition. For the both events i danced with JUST BY LUCK! WOO! It was so fun! We had the ton practice at bishan. I mean who the hell practices at bishan sia! TSKK! Its so far. I stay i gombak for goodness sakes! PLeaase loh!

To me. I belive we did great. More better then what we expected. I'm sure the whole of just by luck would agree with me. To know that this group is only alive thanks to the street claps events saddens me sia. =( If only it's a confirm group. Cause thats something i need right now. sigh.
" we didn't win, but it was a "battle" between emerge and us for first placing "
HEHE!

To someone, i wish i could say what i wanna say here. But i just can't. You must be thinking that i've stopped and it's over. But it's just me stopping myself. I've been controlling myself. It's not helping me. Not once at all. Sigh, i wish i could say what i wanna say to you too. But.. i guess not.

My cheer practice is starting back soon for the semi's. We have to start back with the practice ASAP. because I don't want people to start losing everything i've taught and fadli taught. Yeah. So next practice.. TOMORROW (wednesday) . Am so looking forward to it. =) Oh and we've finally got the chance to use the mats. THANKS REXAS! Much appreciated!

Here are the rest of the pictures! enjoy!

Those were the claps pictures. Now for the dance competition pictures! =)

HEHE!
DONE!
=)

Sphyntrix love!

2009-03-28T00:23:00.002+08:00

OMG OMG OMG! SEMI-FINALS! SEMI FINALS FOR SKM! YAY, SPHYNTRIX, IT PAID OFF! HEHE!
Thats all i have to say ! =) I am so lost for words, i'm shaking sia!!!

=)

okays, love!

SKM/DANCE

2009-03-23T10:06:00.005+08:00

Yes, Skm has just passed for SPHYNTRIX. We entered with new people, New spirit And also with the new uniform. I belive we did great. No, i'll rephrase. We did awesome. All stunts went up. Not a single stunt fell, expect for a glitch with me and nana's gladiator but still we kept it sticked up there. =) It was sucha fun day for sphyntrix. Thanks to those who came down to support us. We're very grateful. And also to FIR for being sucha great photographer! =) Orange Black & White!

And also thanks to my lovely girls who came down to support but counldnt make it on time but still managed to meet me & sphyntrix afterwards. Afterall they did have the intention to support their EX-Cheer team. =) They WERE afterall from sphyntrix. But the main objective, me! HEHE! Thanks girls, i so love you guys! Oh and also to Fie and Syahril too! =) All appreciated! Teeheehee!

It's weird that i got sucha tag from a certain someone. Haha, looks like we ALL do bitch bout each other. HAHA. I didn't manage to catch nationals. I wanted to go down but i overslept. AGAIN. LOL. I just watched all the video's on youtube. It's so cool that so many teams improved from the last time i saw them. CONGRATS TO PAN FOR WINNING CHAMPIONS IN THE GROUP CATERGORY! =)

I want the bloody video!! OMG lah. I've been waiting for the video i so can't wait to update in youtube and my blog and my PSP. OMG. I'm waiting like crazy. i feel like i'm gonna explode if i don't get the video soon sia! OMG! haha. dramatic. LOL.

This saturday is my dance competition with Just By Luck. It feel like so long since i last danced. LOL. Practice just now was...CEAZY & TIRING SIA. I felt like breaking down together with ryna and mastura. HAHA, dramatic again. All this is so thanks to mastura. HAHA! Thank god i'm dancing with them again, It's always laughing and laughing and laughing non-stop. =) Oh and this friday i got performance with them also at raffles city, somewhere there. HAHA.

Practice for cheer has resume but i can't commit to it till next week. SORRY GUYS!
Infact i can't go for any practice at all this week, I miss it already. hahah, back-tucking over and over again. FUN! =) i'll be back guys! MISS ME ALRIGHT! Cheh! dramatic again. HAHAHAH!

Oh and sphyntrix blog is finally finally done. I just did the final touches all thanks to me! cheh wah. HAHA! Oh also dont forget to thank El-farah. hahah, she did all the stupid codes that i could never do or find. HAHA! But farah! look what i did! HAHAH! cool. Go look at sphyntrix blog alright. =) It's at my link area. check it out alright? =)

DAH! updated!

mass.

2009-03-05T17:12:00.003+08:00

It hasn't left my mind since that day, Or infact since that time. Why is it that you haven't left it yet, again? It's not like i didnt try, I tried alot of times that i gave up trying. I gave up trying to get you out of my mind. Why? Well, its's because i just want us to be like what you once said, "perfect". tskk.. but so much for being perfect. I doubt it'll ever be the same again, I doubt "us". It's different. Thing is, we don't even talk when we meet anymore. It's like you're there but you're not, type of thing. If anyone of you understand. Honestly, I'm very distracted, Disturbed about this. I can't seem to concentrate at all. I'm trying.

Then there was this one point where i was suspecting something about someone and someone. I was so disturbed by it, Was so distracted. But thank god for people like WAN & MISSY. I was able to get pass it. I'm alright now, maybe at times i get paranoid but its all under control.

Finally things between me and the girls have gone back the way it once was. We've grown stronger together in many different ways. In good and bad, but i'm just thankful that we're all back together as one, again. =)

There's a thousands things i wish i could talk to you about, So many different things i wanna let out of my mind. If only things could just fall in place. So perfectly, which i have started to doubt. It's not as easy of any of you think. I don't know how long it'll take, i still dont.

It's coming in 2 more days, i'm nervous. I'm scared. Insecure. imperfect. Unclean. Frighten. I don't know how i'll handle this. I've done it a thousand times, I should be able to handle this. I should be able to do my best. I should not be shaking just thinking about this. I need support. Just how do i do this?

I found this from somewhere :

" Most wounds run deeper then anyone can see. We can't see it with a naked eye. And then there's wounds that takes us by surprise. The thing with any type of wounds, be it feelings or diseases or whatever actually, is to dig down deep and find out what's the real problem and once we do we try as hard to heal it but we'll never know how to really treat it untill we're numb to the pain. "

I've been sick since saturday, I've been eating the meds and even up to the extend of taking anti-biotic. But it's not even curing. I feel good at times, Then shitty at times. When i actually think that i've already been cured, i feel sick again. Shitty, and the bad flu and the bad headache comes back again. tskk. Please cure by tomorrow, I've got plans at night with fiqa and elyne sia. TSKKK!

I'm done, Mass update. =)
I miss dancing, alot.
I'm always tired everyday due to massive cheer practice. we're doing good people, we can do this! =)

* iwishedyouwouldmsg.

shockingly not SHOCKED.

2009-02-19T00:48:00.004+08:00

I had a post i wanted to post before this, but after visiting blogs all around. I'm shocked and taken back. So here's a NEW post. Cool huh? TO answer ALL YOUR QUESTIONS. =) OH, But then again, to the things around me happening and the things that i read at blogs, i'm kinda NOT Surprised. Funny how things can be good one min and BAD the other.

To the MR/MS hate tagger at SPHYNTRIX blog, Great job on the critics. Weird thing is, You don't know where you stand yourself? Apparently what we wore on that performance day during the COUNTDOWN, wasn't a CHEER UNIFORM. Unless you still don't get me which picture i'm talking about, it's the header picture. The one with us wearing red and black right above the posts and all. I repeat, it isn't a CHEER UNIFORM. I'm sorry but, i've not seen a CHEER UNIFORM that looks that way before. Aren't you stupid.
Oh and the high V wise, trust me. thanks to your kind words we will work on it. We'll make sure it's nicer soon alright? thanks. A bunch of gay and whores? How stupid. You don't know ALL of us PERSONALLY, and you're here to judge? funny. Then i guess you must be a GAY or a WHORE to tag us that way too, cause if you're a smart and nice person, you'd mind you business. haha.
Apparently, you don't know the story why i left for Fan-crew cheer. So maybe if you wanna know, we shall have coffee at coffee-bean and see if you'd still wanna talk about it. Cause it's weird that SOME PEOPLE would wanna bring MY story up again. LISTEN HERE, i'm not gonna stop cheer just because of PEOPLE like you. It's my passion NOT yours. Sorry but i guess you're just being a lil bit TOOOO nosey. SO FUCK OFF. =)

To farrah,
Here's the things, Have YOU NOT been foolish? Have you not done anythign foolish before? Thing is, after talking with FIQA AND ELYNE, i realise what i did WAS foolish. THE WORD " WAS " says it all. Then again, you can't possibly put all the blame to me for the decision i made? could you? thing is, I wouldn't have done something sooo foolish if it wasn't for what you kept doing to me.
" The cause of that night was YOU, totally YOU. If you hadnt just shut that trap " i disagree with that sentece. I had to say my part, Why is it that only you get to say your part? i've got my fair share to say what i felt to who? MY BESTFRIENDS, right?

IF YOU think you're hurt, i'm HURTER. I'm always been the one giving in to you, Accepting you and everything and saying sorry. HAVE YOU? i've tried and i'm still trying. If i wanna say i take all those things back, would you accept? Whats done is done and all i can do now is to make things better. I didn't wanna "THROW" you away. It was just that, i was too " heart-pain " to everthing you kept doing. I'm sorry. But if things were to get out of hand, Don't you think it's better if we mind our own business from now on? I wanna save this friendship of ours. I'm saying it now, can we have a talk? I wanna sort things out. I was pissed with fiqa on new years too, but i forgave her. no we forgave each other. We talked things out at block dj, like we always do. So Here's the thing. I repeat. WOULD YOU?

AND To those friends of farrah who hates me AND also to WHOEVER that hates me.
Here's the thing, I don't fucking care. I don't fucking give a shit if you hate me. GO AHEAD. Hate me for all you want. Things is I BELIVE you guys hate me just because of things that are happening around. But not between me and whoever. But still whatever. Hate me for all you want, cause if you people don't realise.. you guys don't bring me down one bit. So go on, just waste your efforts aite? =) Stupid way to hate someone. really. FUCKING go ahead and hate me. Things is. you people aren't really people i need anyways. I don't need people like you guys around me at all. Oh and thing is, i don't mix around with you guys at all no more. so WTH? haha. Whoever you are. Hate me? oh come on. GROW UP will you?. LOL. =)

**And to farrah once more, Thanks for standing up for me. I appreciate it so much. i swear i do. besties? can it happen again? i don't know, but i know that i will try to make it happen.

Overall

2009-01-27T20:42:00.005+08:00

Back and forth, back and forth. It seem like that's all i've been doing recently. Nice at first, then the same thing. I don't really understand it. I've tried understanding it. Tried to work things out. But i guess it just doesn't work. Do you think about it? Do you try to even think about it? I know something is wrong this time round. Is it that difficult to tell me, It's not like we've not been talking, again. You're really not helping by by doing this to me. I swear. You're not. Sigh. Sometimes, just sometimes. i don't wanna talk to you, i don't wanna meet you. But it's tough because we have to. Its, irritating. I swear. Emo-base..

To SOME people who don't know who the hell i'm talkin about THIS TIME. please, mind your own business. Seriously, I've heard enough nonsense. I mind my own business and i still hear my name. Thank god i've got FRIENDS who tell me things. Seriously nothing better to do. LOL.

this is just something, from somewhere.

Remember those walls I built
Well Baby they are tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

Yeah. It's weird how people listen to one person and then make accusations. Maybe because they are closer to that one person and therfor the trust. But then again, What if that one person isn't that much of an angel. Isn't much of a good person but people still trust. Weird isn't it? And what's worst it, people actually know what type of person that person is really and they don't really like it. haha. This is to that one person. You already have it, what more do you want.

You're only good because of your talent. But overall you're a shitty person. Just because you've got one very good talent, doesn't mean anything else you think you can do, you can ace it. I don't think so. You've gotta go thru shits like how you get to your first talent to get your second and so on.

I used to have 4, now i'm left with 3. offically it is. I no longer want to bother and care about the other. When you said what said about i hope it wakes him up, Trust me. i didn't wake up. i grew from it. I grew to become another. If you get what i mean, I repeat, I had 4. now i'm left with 3. It's not like i didn't care, but it's more of what type of person you've changed to become. people say that when you grow, you either turn good or bad. You went from bad to worst. enough.
people are only scared to say what they feel deep inside because they don't wanna loose you or pick a fight. Weird that you call youselves friends.

It good to know who your enemies are. And who your friends are. Some enemies are friends in disguise. Really like how some are just to make use of you in any sense, Or some just to get to know whatever inside story they can get, LOL. Whats sad is most of you have it. These type of people. agree? no? too bad, accept it.

I'm leaving things as it is. You said that things are perfect just the way it is. I agreed and i don't wanna question what we really are. Things really are nice. But things like this always happens. It's not the first. And because it's not the first, it hurts even more each time. I never liked to talk about us but sometimes, it's just hard not to. I'm sure most of you would agree. It matters, it really does. But because i myself like the way things are between us and do not want anything else/bad to happen. I'm leaving it the way it is. shitty, really is.

*i'm trying, i really am.

if you get what you want, would you want what you get?

2009-01-14T20:55:00.006+08:00

I've been fallin sick, more sickly as day passes by. I found out why my fever's been going up and down. When it's up, it's really up high. when it's down, i don't feel a thing, like as though i'm not sick. It's actually a throat infection. HOW THE HELL did i even get this infection? dammit. The doctor prescribed 5 different meds. There's this huge one which is SO tough to get it down my throat. I'm so suffering lah!! =( LOL. oh wait, i can't even LAUGH OUT LOUD. Haha "in a soft tone" +)

Some dance comp, Kx's. My Fav time.

X's funk.

I was watching this TV show that day and came across something while watching it. Which was " If get what i want, Would i want what i get? " Which irritating-ly irritated the hell outta me. It bothered me like shit. It got me thinking and thinking. And i guess the answer to that question usually, would be a no. No i wouldn't want what get when i already got it.

Some nice moments.

But things change. This time, it's different. When it came to you. It's just different, even i don't understand why this is happening to me. This is something i've been wanting, no i'll rephrase. NOT wanting. But waiting. But forget it. Seriously. I don't wanna talk bout this. Like i told myself, leave it be. Be happy. But also, why complain when things are getting better, and nicer? =)

It's medicine time. =) i gtg. take care.

*yes, i do.

Mixed emotions.

2009-01-02T00:38:00.004+08:00

I hate 2008, I'm glad it passed. Some nice moments, yes that's true but the amount of sadness and anger was so much i hated it. FUCK. I hate this year's countdown, It was nice at first but things had to happened. This is the 2nd time in a row i cried during countdown. I HATE how i felt, I hate how i was treated. I hated it so much. I know what i was saying, and i DEFIANTLY know how i feel. When everything was happening, I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to jump off a building. I wanted to leave everything behind. I felt like shit. I felt as though nothing matters anymore. What's worst was, This had something to do with a group of people that meant so much that i treat them like almost my life. Thanks for the so not wonderful 2008 countdown, it was the same like 2007's but so much worst.

But guess what, I finally stepped into 2009. I thought everything through after i woke up from the shitty hangover. I'm gonna be different. I'm gonna change. People are gonna hate me, but i thought it through. Why should i bother about people's feelings when actually PEOPLE don't even bother about what i feel. I left everything behind when i left that place after taking the cab. I left my sorry-self behind. Yes, that's how i felt on the 1 of January 2009 from 2am to 5am. Sorry, shitty, miserable, fucked-up, loser, low-life. YES, THAT'S HOW I FELT. HAPPY NOW? to those that are glad on how i felt during that point of time, here's a big FUCK YOU to your sorry face. I don't bother nor do i care anymore. Fucker.

pike layout by me. =)

Here's something happy! lemme rewind back to before 12am, 31st December 2008. Cheerleading performance at boon-lay for countdown was a blast blast blast! I was happy, very happy. I had such a great time. Being a top flyer. Doing so many tosses like no one's business. My pike layout was fucking high, and of cause i freaked out in the air. But i did what i was suppose to do. My parents came down to watch me! but they came a lil too late, they couldn't find the performing area although they were there. But still i'm so grateful to see my mum and dad there. =) Thanks sphyntrix for making my night there. LOVES! I so can't wait for the pictures taken and the video!!!! =)

To you, i've decided on something. I won't say it out. I won't tell anyone about my feelings anymore. I won't say a thing. But of cause i'm still wishin on something. sigh.

To someone, Since you've already said your part and i already did. You've also mentioned something about wanting to see me in my lowest state. Also something about wanting me to having the most miserable life right? Here's a big FUCK YOU to you and your low life face. Oh trust me, you won't see it anymore. Like what fifie says, AKU LAKU, KAU TAK. LOL. How dare you make me apologise and still continue to demoralise me. Eh, fuck off. oh trust me, you won't have a good life.

Overall, i ask. is it my fault now that i took/turned to things that i shouldn't have taken? be angry, be mad. I don't wanna care.

*still wishin, stupidly.

Not so good after all

2008-12-30T16:55:00.003+08:00

The new year is coming in like what? 1 day? Which so happens to be tomorrow. I told myself when december came that i'm gonna enjoy this year's new year countdown. But it so happened that i haven't got the mood no more. It's like things just turned around so quick and it caught me off-gaurd. I was happy, VERY happy one moment and then suddenly i'm not anymore. It's like my life has turned upside down, i tell you. I've got no control over it. And i'm losing myself. I know that for a fact.

When we first started everything back, you were that one person to make me smile. I was happy, I seriously was. The first few meetings with you was definately the time of my life, well at least it felt like it, after such a long time. I was so happy that i lost myself to it. I didn't take any precautions to what's gonna happen next. You think it's that easy. PEOPLE like you think it's easy to forget, move on and be happy. But it's never that way. It's always the other way. I'm still wishin on that small hope. I know i shouldn't but at least i'm trying. I'm trying my best. But are you?

I know what i did that day was wrong. I know that many people if they knew about it would never agree to what i did. I did it only as a form of "Anti-depressants". I know it not the way, but is there even any other way? No one is there for me. Really no one is actually there for me. All i can say is only one. One person is. Surprising someone i've just known for less then a year. Less then half a year? close to only a few month. How shitty huh? but i'm grateful. I really am. I turned to those things that day only because i couldn't take it. I know it's wrong. But i somehow don't care no longer.

cheer performance tomorrow then i'm off to meeting the girls. what time i don't know, where i don't know. I somehow don't care anymore. Just let me know. I don't know if i can do it for tomorrow performance. Backtuck toss. Gladiator as a top flyer. When i'm in a state like this, i'm definately gonna loose control. i know i can definately do it but at a time like this, it tough and i'm suffering. sigh. Why now.

You sms-ed me a wish for a very good afternoon but a not so good one after all. You are seriously thinking like nothing has actually happened. You think that i'm really okay huh? guess what, i'm not okay, i'm NOT. You spoilt my day, you made it a bad one. a very bad one. sigh.

*i lost myself but i'm still waitin/

It's alright, It's okay. yeah right.

2008-11-24T05:46:00.005+08:00

I've just realised that i've been sucha bitchy person, BUT ONLY SPECIALLY FOR MY BLOG & To people i DON'T LIKE. =) Anyways, lemme continue my part 3 of my bitchy post or whatever you can call it. But before i start with that part 3.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING IDAH!

Wishing you endless beauty and a SEXY FIGURE! =) Finally you've turned 17 and i hope you're Feeling sweet. Get it? Sweet 17? haha. Hopefully you'll pass your O' level's with flying colours. OK fine, i KNOW you'll pass you're O's! =) Hope you enjoyed your birthday celebration with us that day including the presence of your bf which WE definately definately enjoyed his presence around us that day. =) Smile always! I'll always be here for you, no infact your besties will ALWAYS be here for you. We're just a call or sms away. Take care darls!

Now we begin with the "bitchy" part. =) So lets welcome the first idiotic to make my life shitty. =)

You come to OUR party/uscelebration or whatever you can call it. Showing us your FUCKED up face, Tryna act like some highclass person and acting like some big shot when you're NOT. Thanks but no thanks. YOU weren't even invited in the first place, We gave you face on account of someone. You think just because you've got the cash, people will respect you but oh please, Everyone there that day, hated your presence. Seriously, don't belive ask. Haha, that's for tryna show us like you're some big FUCK. damn. You deserve the big gossip about you behind your back, We dislike you, oh we really do. We just couldn't stand you being around us, take care "friend". =) oh and if you need a wake up call, lemme get it to you. the money you get, isn't from you. LOL.

To another person related to the same situation above. You also weren't actually invited also, but you came so we HAD accept it one way or another ON BEHALF of my best-friend. =) You came smiling and whatever lah eh, But then your face had to change "like always". But then again we still couldn't give any fuck for it. Surprising we KNEW such a thing was gonna happen. But Thank god all of us carried on with the happiness. You just had to be the spoiler that wanted to spoil the party. BUT GUESS WHAT? YOU FUCKING FAILED. We wanted a very happy one but like you always do, that face all of us can't stand. SAJAK lah korg dua. You're another one which deserves that big gossip behind you. =)
god bless.

i'm not done about the second person, this is the continuation lah. If i continue on the paragraph, it's gonna be a VERY VERY VERY long one. Anyways, First you "borrowed" someone's shoe, Then THREW it away, Fine, i didn't know about it at first, so i happily "Borrowed" it to you also. But when i needed it back like around A FEW HUNDRED TIME, you just couldn't pass it back. excuses after excuses, And still it's not back with me. WOW, isn't it? You just deserve the word cheap-skate. =) OH MY GOD LAH, SO ANGRY SIA. FUCK!

to someone, I'm glad that i don't think about you so much anymore. I guess i'm beginning to forget, But it's not easy, the slightest thing or the slightest talk about you will make me think and it makes me sad inside. I don't wanna show but it's too haard to keep it in. I'm trying my hardest. I swear. i really do. =( I'm tryna live my life like a normal happy person. I guess always thinking about my girls are all i need to make me happy, And i guess it's working in a way, but not also in a different way.

To missy, Good job to the following of my blog! =) haha, I'm impress. Can't wait to meet you later for practice. LOL. Oh and GOD WILL PUNISH YOU. HAHAH! "inside joke" =)

Thats all! =)

Warning, it's a mean mean post.

2008-11-19T05:42:00.005+08:00

Yes, that's me up there. And yes, i was falling. =)

You're not a friend of mine, STOP acting like one. I don't like you, the sight of you and the look you have your face everytime. Dammit, it's always so irritating. I HATE being around you. After what you did. Lemme tell you, i've disliked you ever since. There's no turning back. There's nothing. I'd wouldn't be doing what i'm doing, saying what i'm saying if you didn't do what you did. Thanks, again.

This goes out to WHOEVER, I don't fucking give a flying shit to whatever you people are saying. I repeat, i don't care. Say what you guys wanna say but SORRY, it won't bring me down. Nothing anyone can say can bring me down. Sorry to say, but you guys are nothing in my eyes. I'm just doing what i'm doing. STOP putting words in my mouth or think that i said something cause i mind my own business. so, FUCK OFF. Away from my life.

to another person, you've made my life very painful. I've had many sleepless night thanks to you. Always making me think and tryna forget but i can never. Everytime i look at your face, i keep wanting to go up to you and do what i always do, hug. But it has hit me that you don't care at all, so why the heck am i always sad? why the hell do i always freaking cry or whatever? Because i still can't let go. Thanks, again eh?

Oh! And this goes out randomly to random people. If you ever think that i'm talking about you. DON'T TERASE LAH PLEASE. I mean, too bad i don't leave anyone's name on any of my post. =) it's so irritating, really. But then again, if you actually terase, doesn't that show that you actually did something bad behind me? LOL. Thanks for asking and showing me your "sadness" or whatever but i'll always leave the answer as, "don't know". Sorry, but no thanks. You'll definately never get the name of the person if it's ever you. Cause, it's better you see, if you suffer in silence. Sorry if i'm being mean but, people do ask for it. thanks!

here are the short short "to someone". Different people ok? (random fuck)

To someone, come down where want to ajak?
To someone, i hate you.
To someone, stop bothering me.
To someone, Don't act cute.
To missy, you're funny lah! NEXT PRACTICE!
To farah, Come back soon k?
To fadli, dinie, raimi, farah, missy, sorry i never turn up for the performance. LOL.
To fiqa, EVERY NIGHT I MEET YOU, can never make me bored. =)
To elyne, i miss you for fucks sake.
To massytura, I MISS YOU!
To Ryna the mama keleng pundek, i miss you so much sia.
To idah, this saturday ALL OUT!
To fifie, yaya, nana, Johan, fareez, thanks for every night of non stop laughter.
And lastly to SUSI, WHEN IS THE NEXT WEEK? TAK JUMPE2 NI!!!!! =)

I'm still nice at the end of the day. AGREED? =) LOL.

A thank you note

2008-11-16T05:24:00.006+08:00

People always think it's that easy to forget. Nah, i'll rephrase. You think it's that easy to forget. You think that it's simple and i can just carry on with what i'm feeling. If it's ever that easy, i wouldn't suffer. I wouldn't think and i wouldn't shed a tear. Fuck it. I've told myself over a hundred times to just ignore, walk and enjoy. But it never works. I've been never been able to get you out of my head. I guess the only way to help you, me and us, is to only do what i already did. Sometimes i keep thinking that things are just gonna work out fine. Yeah right.. i guess that's what you keep telling yourself huh? Thanks.

To another particular person. i thank you. Thanks for your "wise" words. Thanks for "sticking" around. Cause you're never there. These words should be used for you and againts you. Not me and not us. If you think you're really helping, then shut up and keep your mouth to yourself. dammit.

To another person. You think you're that all time hot stuff. YOu think you can do everything. You think you're the favourable one. The one everybody loves. The one whome i seriously suck. In every aspect in life. You've got no one, and i belive no one wants you. I really think so and i belive, many does too. LOL.

**Thanks a whole lot. Thanks alot. Thanks, a millon thanks to you. I'm living life in totally shittiness. =)

Whatsup sexy?

2008-11-12T04:33:00.007+08:00

And so i've changed my blogskin after so long. Feels better doesn't it?
So anyways, I've been Feeling....Happy i guess. It's been fun and laughter. LOL. Cheerleading practice for me is like another thing for me. It's just that, i've been enjoying it alot. Laughing, Jumping and doing all sorts of weird things. yeah. Well, Any other nonsense i hear just doesn't bother me anymore. I'm happy the way things are. And yeah. So whatever. =)

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. And i don't bother. It has gotten to me already. Yes, maybe i still do cry once in awhile but i guess it's just another way for me to feel better, it has always been. yeah. But i'm just surprised that things are really getting better between both of us. And i'm appreciating and enjoying every single moment with you. =)

Oh and i so enjoyed the performance with F'up last saturday at cineleisure. It was great sia. Especially the pictures taken. Wah, Goodness. As you can see, it's already part of my welcoming picture to my blog. LOL. =) I so love f.up. Especially mas and ryna who NEVER fails to crack me up. LOL. Here are the pictures, so enjoy lah eh? hahahah.

Oh and this goes to someone, stupidity has caused you to become so lame. That's all. =) take care eh? LOL. oh and fine, i'll say this now, since u want it. I'm the better looking one. happy? hah.

* missing you, again.

it doesn't.

2008-11-03T07:31:00.003+08:00

I don't fucking care. I don't fucking bother. So don't bother tryna explain cause it doesn't matter get it. No talk is needed, i've had enough. I don't see the point, cause it's useless. You're the good one now, don't you know? LOL. you're the one at the top of the ladder now. In the first place, it wasn't even a competition to see who has gotten more. It didn't even bother me. You're the one making yourself "famous" aren't you? nice try, but try harder. =) oh, and i don't need my "partner". He just understand or should i just say, he understand. So, yeah. No sides are taken. freak.

I had to stoop to my lowest to do what i did. I had to say what i needed to say. I had to do what i needed to do. I'm not that person. You were nothing, even now. But i don't understand why you're such a big impact on my life, dammit. I'm feeling so low and shitty. Over the slightest thing i think about you. Over the slightest thing i feel like shit, Shitty ain't it? I don't understand and i'm tryna understand, but you're not helping one bit. I never blamed you or make you try to take the rap cause it's just all on me. sigh.

Comments made from you guys aren't making me feel any lower, infact. It has made me stronger and better. I know what i can do and i know what i'm capable of. You guys are the guys that are on the losing side. So, your lost. =) nuff' said.

*missin you.

On a different note.

2008-10-24T16:56:00.004+08:00

I'm sick and tired of everything that's happening around me. It's so bloody irritating. Some of you guys think that what ever that's talked about behind me doesn't get to me. Well think again. I know about everything, and what disgust me is that you guys think it that way. Well, too bad. Never have i done anything to deserve that name. Shitty pie hole. dammit. Ungrateful shitheads.

To me, it's like i didn't have/had to make any decision. Not at all. It suddenly stopped. Then that made it simpler. So yeah. But what isn't helping is that, It seems like I'm stressing myself out over the slightest thing. You keep repeating everything you say to fight me. but why when I'm already feeling like this? sigh.

When attitude changes. The person itself changes. I'm surprised the changes in you. You're not that type of person i would mix with anymore. You seem to have change for the worst. Alright, not seems but has already changed for the worst. You're like a totally different person already and i don't wanna be around you anymore. It's sickening. And i dislike it. ALOT. We'll see how it goes.

Hari raya this year wasn't the same for me this year. It was different . Very different. But there isn't a point to bring this matter up at all huh? forget it.

I missing quite a few people now. The ones i've been wanting to meet for such a long time. Thank god i get to meet someone from sec-school later. I so can't wait. GOSH! i'll end this post this way then. On a happier note. Before people start saying this like, why your post always to emo-ish ar? LOL. =)

Oh oh oh!!! I miss dancing with f'up. =( Especially mastura and ryna. For fuck sakes. Or if i were to follow mas, it'll be for PETE sake. LOL. The stupid gila girl and the other gila mama pundek girl. CB. alright alright it's starting to get a lil vulgar. I better stop. LOL.

I miss SUSI TOO! OMG. Next week okay? =)

*I'm missing you.

un-needed.

2008-09-30T20:31:00.004+08:00

I didn't know what i was getting myself into. At first, it was all so nice. Then another came. The other one i kept looking that day. The one i wished/wanted. I didn't expect this to happen. I didn't. I thought, things were gonna be better. Things were gonna be a change at last. But i was wrong. Now i got myself into 2. Which doesn't really really makes things any easier. I thought about it one whole morning before heading to sleep. But i have yet come to a decision. DAMN. You both got me real confuse. Real stress. GOSH!!! What am i gonna do? just leave it the way it is? sigh.

I thought things were already okay between me and her. I thought we stopped fighting. Then suddenly you send me once message which took me by SURPRISE. I was finally okay with her and suddenly she does this. Who's the one finding problem? What's with me talking about you to fiqa? What's this about me not being there for you? sigh. I don't know. Why must things come to this extend. I want to settle things as soon as possible. Please stop all this. I've had enought of being sad. Enough of fighting amongs us 5. I Swear. =(

Btw, to that DAYNA, (HATE-TAGGER). if you're reading. Listen up and good, God bless your soul you pitiful piece of shit. YOu think and you act like i don't know who the hell you are. YOU SHITHEAD. What's with me talking behind people's back? oh trust me. EVERYONE DOES THAT. Everyone bitch about anyone, even people whom you don't even know. So FUCK off and leave. LOL. so leave. =)

***You both got me so confused. =(

Straying away.

2008-09-15T15:24:00.004+08:00

We've tried out best, We've said what we needed to say. Yet, You think other-wise. You've got your own supporters, we can see that really. All we only wanted was for you stop hurting. We've seen enough pain from you. yet you pushed us aside. We gone thru this pushed aside thing before and its not like we can't overcome it again. It has happened so many many time. We don't know what to feel for you anymore. what more can i ever say. Take back your words and take back everything. Now, In what ways now can u explain, US NOT BEING THERE FOR YOU? omg. For you to say such thing, you're heartless. i'm mad, i'm angry and i'm sad. Is there actually anymore things we could possibly say? We're looking, i'm looking. You just ain't thinking the right way.

(different topic)
So seriously, tell me. You actually think you're good? You're better? You're "hot"? Bullshit. If it were to come down, it'd only come to you being the lowest one, the lowest one among all of us. You think that you can get everything thru your "looks", but trust me. You'll soon be known for all the shits you've done. You'll be left alone and no friends once everything is settled/done. All of us, really don't like you. You just have no idea. Oh and by the way, the comment you gave me. I hope/curse you'll be the one to get it. So to you, i hope you know it's you cause....YOU SUCK. LOL.

(differnt topic, again.)
I've been thinking alot. So much. Whenever i'm alone, I realise that i'm always thinking. When i know i shouldn't. To some if you realise me being that way, it's not like i want to do it, but it just keeps coming into mind. I'm kinda stress. I Keep thinking negative-ly. Wrong yet i'm doing it, YES. i know. I wonder why? And suddenly sometimes i cry. Something is wrong with me, and i'm trying to figure out why and what..? I'm depressed, And to someone, whome at this time i might need you around. You just aren't. I'm disappointed with you, i really am. Don't you realise sometimes i just need someone to talk to bout this? I'm so low on spirits. I've got myself thinking about nothing for nothing. Is it really because of that issue? Or is it about the other one? Who am i really missing out on my life? GOSH.

I've got one more topic, but i'll save it till its the right time.

David M.A,
Imissyousomuchbutijustcantdoathingaboutit. =(

surprises

2008-09-01T02:17:00.003+08:00

When i saw what i saw. It surprised me, I was shocked. And the worst yet, Saddened. Have i not tried to make myself better? Have i not tried harder in any ways? I'm jealous In so many ways. I want one of my own too alright. it just isn't fair. It's Like a race, You want what you want, you got to go all the way to get it as fast as possible. Once it's stolen, it's gone. Forget about getting it back, cause trust me. it's tough.

This part of the post is different for the above one.
I lost twice in a day, That day. The first one was tough, We performed as hard as we could and i believe that is that. Nothing more. Cried my heart out as a group and i headed for my next lost. The second one just didn't make a single sense to me. AS MUCH AS I HATE TO SAY THIS, FUCK COLOUR, SKIN COLOUR. The talk of this subject just makes me so angry! ohmygod.

X's funk

2008-08-20T06:56:00.002+08:00

So whats up with that issue?

It's not like we've never tried. It just that outsiders don't know what's been going on inside. Its weird how people would think this way, right? LOL! I mean, i really think you should THINK about what you're saying then SAY. We've already started to do things, that no one has yet to come to know about, except for those inside. And trust me. it's nice. =) You're thinking so immaturely, and to think of it. You were one of "them" too right.
My time too, has yet to arrive. I'm not ready yet. But once i am, it'll be a different story to talk to about. And trust it'd be one of it's best.
To me, Every criticism IS an encouragement to me.

X's funk, we did well enough. =)
Keep it up....and oh ya, LOVE!
LOL.

Anyhoots, here are the rest of the pictures from the lime auditions to the semi's.
Enjoy!

Is there?

2008-08-08T17:16:00.004+08:00

Its not like i didn't try. I've been trying to get you off my mind. Like randomly hoping you'd message me or call to ask "how are you?" , "how's things" or you know Those type of things. I've did what i could to try to not make things anymore akward but like i said, everytime i see you its like my wall breaks down into so many pieces. Wished i could just go up to you and say what i wanna say. Do what i wanna do and not get teased, But then again. No one cares right? so why even bother.

Living in my own world? Trying to make things better. Yet nothing much happens. It's like after so long i tend to give up and try not to bother about anything or everything else. We happen to only have one life, And up to this point of time of my 17 years of life. It seems as though i've not accomplished what i need or want. Am i really doing what i really want? You know what? maybe all i need now are my girls. All 4 of them.

There's always a reason behind everything. Things that has been a part of me after so long but to have to leave it is deffinately hard. It's surprising to know such things are actually said behind me by people who are surprisingly close to heart. It scares the hell out of me. I was never that type till things happen so what you said, just isn't true. Not one bit. But no one listens, right?

National day is tomorrow, it Will be the day i'll be out with my girls, Except Idah. I'm gonna enjoy the hell out of myself. But before that i've got the competition and it stresses me. I'm worried about both but more about not being able to join the girls. I've made plans, i've promised. But i might have to break it. Which i don't want to definately. Esplanade once again to enjoy. Not to look at M.R's but to scream and jump with the girls of my life. The ones that complete me. =)
Happy ever after? Not now i guess.

Farrah, i do have pictures of you. i was kidding. You'll never be forgotten.

These are some of the unposted pictures from the cp's dance semi's. Enjoy!

* i miss You, surprisingly alot.

bothering

2008-08-04T21:35:00.006+08:00

With whatever that going on. I don't ave the mood to dance nor work. I feel so shitty. I feel so empty. I feel so sad. Especially down in spirit. I wonder if its because of you. I tried so hard not to think of it. But if it's karma thats being a bitch then i guess its i'll take it in my stride. Why is it that i keep thinking of you? Why do i have to be so weak. I've thought about it hard and long. If this is gonna continue the way it is, i'm gonna be a bitch. Why did you show me my msg. Why did you do what you did that night? i thought i could but it proved that i just couldn't.

Hate me or whatever but crying all the time doesn't solve anything. Why make myself suffer everynight thinking when i could just go to bed thinking everything's alright like what you're doing exactly. Don't feel sad cause you're not. I know things without finding things out from you. It sadddens me even more. I don't wanna hate you. Cause i can't.
Thing is, You're nothing In the first place but why in the world did i have to fall for you. Nothing is perfect, especially you

I hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you. I hate you for making me feel this way. don't talk to me . Cause i won't. I'll try my best, but i know my wall breaks down everytime i see you.
i won't say anything bout it. The only person is you. Talk to me if you feel something. Cause i'd love to know what you have to say. Oh trust me, it'd prove something.

And the reason why i didn't go for practice today isn't because of this matter. It's because of something else. Don't ask also.

I didn't go to work today too. And in the end what i got from mum just made me not want to talk to her. Her words offended me. I'm still so angry with her. Even if i didn't go work whatever you said shouldn't have come out. I don't wanna talk to you. i don't.

My life is terrible, I don't have the mood for anything. All i wanted was for you to make me happier. But you made my life to much worst. Love? Why say that when you didn't mean it. Dammit.

for what?

2008-08-02T15:17:00.004+08:00

At first it was all joke and play. I was alright with it. Till you surprised me with Something on the phone. I wasn't prepared, i was taken away suddenly. Yet now we know the real reason. why am i still stuck? Why am i not movin the way i should. You were nothing, in fact you were only something small in my eyes. Yet you just blew me away. As surprised as i am, I shouldn't be. It's not only something that was just passing but something that took me by shock. yet again, i wonder why i'm not movin. =/

You and shitty actions. Your attitude, YOur language. You think we don't know. I already knew it wasn't used by your own money to get it. But then again who am i kan? I wonder again and again, if it's about the money. It has always been about the money. Who can blanja me this, and that. I mean, It great that you're happy but you've cause me and someone unhappiness. I'm just there like always. When you need to talk, cry or whatever come find me. although i'd love you talk to them about your troubles, cause i know you WON'T. Shittypiehole. But i know now that i won't find you again. You're theirs. Not ours. Boyfwends no more. NOW I GIVE UP.

It's been so long since i took it in my stride, I stopped that a long time ago. Always keeping quiet. Not ever speaking out. I don't care no more. You told me to learn to keep my manners always always to look after people's heart. I don't care no more, if i don't speak my heart. No one will ever understand that shitty feeling. For example like YOU, you always speak your heart causing me those shitty feelings. SO FOR WHAT FUCK I KEEP QUIET?

In this post all the "YOU" goes out to many people. There's not only one but more different people in this post. Don't understand? too bad really.

These are pictures i've yet to post, LOL.

what's fair? nothing.

2008-07-30T11:48:00.003+08:00

Here's the thing, Where does years of experience goes too. How is it fair that when new people comes in and we get replaced? I don't wanna be what you guys want me to be. I told myself this once before if this is ever gonna happen, if something like that were to be told to me. I'd stop or Quit. Its not the matter why, but how much. If you get it. But then again, we'll see how far this goes.

Friends, important ones. Or maybe just friends. Trust me, they're the ones you count on when you're going no where or just alone. You dont have any at all now. What we all see is that you're tryna suck up to everybody just to gain sympathy or maybe "friends" . It digust me. I'd look at you and see a pathetic soul trying to fit in. But then again, whatever. If you think you know who i'm talking about, think again. No ones does.

It hits me when someone says something to make me realise. Maybe we really just don't belong. Why should people not like it if we're connected. Maybe they don't like us actually after things happen. Right now, it feels as though we shouldn't stick under them anymore. I don't wanna do it anymore. maybe just right now i don't, I don't.

So these are the pictures from that day's performance at woodlands. I danced with X's, But non with X's. Haha.

These are the pictures from that day's competition with f'up at yishun. =)

Grandma

2008-07-23T07:26:00.004+08:00

When i got the new, i was already on the way to the house. Running with my mum, I thought we could make it on time. But when we're already halfway thru, Mum got the message. We ran even faster knowing we were already too late. When we reached, Eka came and hug me crying like never before. I tried to keep my cool but a tear dropped. People were all crying, all the cousins i mean. The adults were trying to not shed a tear but i guess we didn't help one bit.

i was sitting right infront of her and reading my prayers. Tears dropped, Alot. I was reading prayers and crying at the same time. Everyone had grief in their eyes. I guess i understand how they all feel. But not as much cause i for once have to say that i didn't spend enough time with her. When it was our turn as grandchildrens to kiss her goodbye. i cried even more. We had to hold back our tears and kiss her without the tear dropping on her. I tried my hardest and i did. Kissed her and turned away and cried even more.

I feel so wrong. I feel like i did her wrong. I didn't spend as much time. Most of us didn't get the chance to ask for forgiveness. I Said my prayers while asking for forgiveness. I don't know what to say anymore.

We will be sending her body off later. In a few hours time. tryping this just makes me feel like crying even more.

I miss you grandma. I pray that you'll be in peace. You'll always be in my heart.
She passed away yesterday around evening. Forgive me for everything. You won't only be in mine but in everyone's hearts.

Thanks to those who send their condolences last night. I appreciate it.
Especially to you who accompany me on the phone. thank you.

I'm sorry if i can't turn up for practice, as much as i want to perform, this somehow seem so important. It is actully. i will try to catch up as fast as possible.

*i miss you already grandma.

It's been all fun and more fun.

2008-07-07T18:32:00.003+08:00

And finally i get to update my blog. LOL. So, Last friday we went to DBL O!! It's was the shit sia. It was so bloodly cool. There was the competition jim beam all stars and all the teams were cool sia. Congrats to 5678 for getting 1st place. And a very great job to fantastic remix for grabbing 3rd place. Not forgetting NuX's, You guys were so cool too!
Anyways, after the competition had ended, those that manage to get into the club under the age of 17 had to leave after the competition, Luckily for me and syahril, We managed to get our hands chopped. LOL. Syahril you know why and how! ahahha.

Anyways. Drank till i got high, so did mastura and fatthu and eddy and ayul. They were my drinking buddies that night. A total of 9 jugs and an extra jug stolen by eddy. No idea how but that jug was the strongest. haha.
After clubbing like sluts, once again. We headed over to central and lepak there till it was 6 and we had 1hr30mins to go till it was 6 so we played cards and everything. That night, everybody was out to get me sia. SHITHEADS! Yeah.
Once again i say, that night has got to be the best night. =)
Thanks to those who tried to get me in that day, thanks!

These are the pictures taken while dancing.
Forgive me if some of my pictures looks so terrible cause i danced like no-one's business and i was sweating like fuck. So , yeah. Forgive mastura's face too, cause she, like me danced like sluts. LOL.

I definately had fun at Dbl o. Although it was shitty at the entrance. I still had loads of fun! =) Espeically my dance bitches, Mastura&Ling. LOL.

Well, these are the rest of the unPosted pictures that were supposed to be posted but never had the time to.

To the people who made that birthday party/cake/aftercelebration thingy at sentosa that time. Thank you so much!
This part is specially for SUSI, FAMILY!!!!!!!
LOL.

Pussycat WHORES.

2008-07-03T13:46:00.005+08:00

So here's the thing, I went to practice and practiced abit. Not much, but we had to fool around so here's what happened.

Just so you know, i'm the one in black singlet. LOL.
The one in the black top is Haikel.
Green top is Ayul.
And the white top is the White crazy bitch massytura.

Song: When i grow up by Pussycat dolls.

Don't worry, i didn't forgot to put up the pictures of my birthday and sentosa and everything basically. I'm just waiting for some people to pass me the pictures!

thanks alot.

2008-06-22T22:55:00.010+08:00

I apologise that i didn't reply any messages sent to my phone because apparently it was lost/stolen/misplaced or whatever. And i also apologise for updating this late, i was super duper busy or perhaps i was just didn't know what to type or what to just say.

Let's just carry on alright?,

MY birthday was a blast, It really was. Although this was the first time in 17 years of my life that my parents didn't celebrate it with me. i understand why. Some crappy shit happening at home recently. But it's totally understandable. Anyways, My birthday was pre-celebrated under a block with the SABOH shit. It involved flour, eggs and BUBBLE TEA, chocolate bubble tea. It was one of the best although i had to get cheated of my feelings to get SABOH-ED, It was worth the while.
I thank my 4 girls for that, I really did enjoyed you guys being there. Seeing them there did make it the best. I love you guys so much, and everyone that was there that came to surprise me. =)

My real birthday was celebrated at the karaoke lounge. Sang our hearts out and surprisingly there was a CAKE! a swensens ice-cream cake. Thank you kak-ina. I really really appreciate it although i don't really know you, you're nice. =)
I went drinking with syahril, fie and joey at night at tantric's, Got high and enjoyed Myself like no one's business.

And so, on the friday that had just passed, We all went to sentosa. With Limited Kx's. With syahril and susi. Originally, The plan was to celebrate the belated Susi's birthday with a cake and surpringly, they celebrated her's and mine together. I was super surprised. This is for susi, FAMILY!!!! S & S!!!! haha, alright thats all. We took lots of pictures but sadly i DON'T have it yet. But don't fret, i'll update with just pictures in the next post alright? =) I've got ALOT of pictures to post.

Anyways, I gave up and moved on from the just so recent one, THANK GOD. Met someone new just last week, but still got pushed away. What's it with that? What's it with getting push away over and over again. It's like i keep on having competitors. Over and over like i said. It's as though i've been though this numbness shit almost countless of times. Like many says, if there's a first time, there will always be a second and third and so and so forth... I don't bother anymore, or maybe i just dont wanna think about it, fuck.

I miss Massytura alot. It's times like this that her she should start her nonsense. At this point of time, Seriously, i do. I need to laugh my ass off till i can't breath. Yeah. i do.

Thats all i guess? Wait for the next post to come up, i'll upload all the pictures from the pre-celebration to the sentosa outing/celebration. =)

*immuned to feelings..

So what makes you actually happy?

2008-06-18T09:08:00.005+08:00

Okay before i continue with my post, MY TAGBOX IS ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE. Where the links are! EVER HEARD OF SCROLLING DOWN? thnx!

Alright.
We went to sentosa on tuesday and it was a blast i tell you , sherades in the bus ride. Swimming and throwing sand at each other. Apparently it was also a day of losing things. I lost my berms which contained my brother's ez-link card, 7 dollars and my keys, Fiqa lost her phone which i still have no idea how, after realising that her phone was missing, she called her phone and it was till ringing the whole entire time. Guess it got buried under the sand, shitty huh? LOL. It suck at that point but i still had a blast. Telling myself to keep my mind off things, to stop thinking and try to move on, which i know will happen in like hmmm....10 years from now? LOL. I'm trying alright.

I've lost all hopes. I've finally almost given up. It's sad, Yet it's so fucking frustrating. I'm so furious yet i could cry. You don't even dare to say a thing to me. You don't even have the cheeks to tell me something, so what makes you think you have the cheeks to even face me one day? don't you think you've done enuf to hurt? Shithead. You've hurt me so bad to the point of me being numb/immune to your monstrocity or maybe just your crap. It's not easy. I still think up till now it's not fair, not fair one bit. It's heart-breaking. emotionally and physically. Get it? i belive you'll come back soon. I really do. Soon enuf SAYANG. LOL!

Here are some of the pictures that were taken yet wasn't posted, No idea why. Anyways, i miss that gila girl and her fucking nonsense. Alarhh. Basically i miss F'up. But yeah.. That gila girl understands. FUCK!

* You gained your happiness and i lost mine. Thnx alot. Selfishness? i belive so.

It just isn't enough.

2008-06-17T05:28:00.003+08:00

Saturday i guess i stayed home the whole entire day that day. Called syahril up and asked where he was and he said, "on my way to esplanade" and i was like, "WHAT! and then never tell me?!" So i rushed down to esplanade and met up with the rest, And hey that was lucky of me cause that was my LAST TRAIN. So be grateful i rushed. LOL. I needed a breather anyways, take a time off from everything to just sit and talk with fie and gang. LOL. And hey susi was there too, my family. LOL. =)

You see the werid thing about my friends is that when i don't blog, everyone is like telling me, hey shahrul update lah or hey shahrul i think you should just delete off your blog it's getting abit dusty or what not. But when i actually blog, NO ONE TAGS. LOL. I've been blogging almost everyday and still i don't get tags. Alright, MAYBE some tags. LOL.

Here's some of the pictures from that day, manage to go and check susi's blog and remembered taking pictures, sooooo.. here it is! ENJOY!

So what's the point? What's the point of me sitting here and thinking of you all the time? I was waiting for your call, In fact, I HAVE been waiting for that call of your's since 2 days ago. I just needed a explanation, a answer or maybe just something so i could do something about what i'm feeling. Don't leave me hanging just like that. How could you DO such a thing to me. I gave you my heart, surprisingly. So This is what i get? I DON'T deserve it. I seriously don't. Sigh. Is it me or are you just heartless?? I may not be the best or whatever but i do know that i will love you more then anything else. Goodbye for now, i guess.

These are what i miss currently.

*it's like nothing's ever fair for me. sigh.

What's the point in all this then?

2008-06-16T18:01:00.004+08:00

Here's the video from DanceXplosion 3 finals video. It's one of the best ever too. One of those that we enjoyed like FUCK. But suddenly i feel like there isn't a point anymore..

Enjoy.

It don't matter no more. To me nor to you. It's very sad, And this is something i dont expect at all. You've broke my heart So tell me now how the hell am i gonna forgive you one day? How am i gonna talk to you? I just wished you'd realise the problem and the situation im going through and feeling. Sigh. If only you knew, so i could let go.

Feelings that kills.

2008-06-15T09:25:00.003+08:00

Changed blogskin, Can't be bothered anymore. It hurts even more as times passes by. Why now? Why not before it happened? It's too unfair to me, I shouldn't even be feeling this way knowing it's not really worth it. But it's hard. And even harder as every single day passes without a call or a message from you anymore. It used to be so nice. How i wished that one day didn't happen so all these problems wouldn't ave popped out from no where. If you thinking cheating of my feelings, this isn't the right way to go about it, think again. It hurts, alot and badly.

Surprisingly i can't move on. I know for a fact that you're there yet you just don't wanna talk to me bout it. Was it that difficult? Was it easier to hurt then to make someone happy? i guess so. No one knows for a fact how i actually feel right now. I've been feeling this feeling since that day. I wished you were there but you just had to do what you did.

Forget it. You don't care, so why should i?

* I speak as though it's that easy but it isn't.

partied hard.

2008-06-14T19:30:00.006+08:00

St.james dance competition, FlauntIt. It was SUPER DOPE. The crowd wasn't wild but the F'up dancers were dancing like we were fucking selling every single one of their body. ESPECIALLY ME AND MASTURA! We were the sluts of the night. We danced like there's no tomorrow even thou there wasn't any space on the podium me and mas had to die die get up there and flaunt it. And we definately flaunted it. People were looking at us. Talking bad or good? we didnt bother cause we knew we fucking rocked it.

A total of 6 jugs of housepour vodka. And a total of 60 out that night from my wallet. I didn't expect it and i didn't care cause i really did have fun dancing like no one's business. LOL.
I got fucking high, close to drunk and if im not wrong mastura was also high too. LOL. She wasn't walking nor dancing straight. hahah. Apparently halfway while dancing, Mastura was pointed a middle fingle from someone she didn't know while She was enjoying herself! I bet he was Jelous? yeah! hahaah. She got pulled out by the bouncer and she settled her problem outside, came back in and continued PARTYING! Apparently i was the women's guy that night. Grinded with 5 girls surprisingly. And gotten eddy jelous! hahaah. =) but i actually wanted someone else dancing with me. LOL. alright forget i said that.

How did i get high even though i was underaged? 1st, it was a underaged party. So those NON-underage people wears tags on their hands. 2nd, I have friends. haha. Alright, hakim wanted to leave the club to head over to M.O.S So we asked for his tagg and we used LIPBALM to "glue" it back together, Oh and not forgetting that That GILA GIRL used her saliva too to glue it together. HAHAH! It fell off a few times while i was dancing cause i moved to vigorously. LOL. Headed up to the 2nd lvl and drank our asses off. LOL.

After All the dancing and dancing and dancing. We headed over to Ling's house. I didn't want to be the first one to sleep, but i actually thought mastura was also asleep so i slept also. BUT NO.... she was awake sia. That's why she's a cheebye. HAHAH. I didn't wake up till the next day which was around 1pm, And i saw mastura, fatthu and eddy leaving. I didn't wanna say anything was too tired, ahah.

Sadly i don't have any pictures. We didn't take one as a group but i do remember taking pictures with me and mastura using Fatthu's phone. So mas, can i please please get those picture pls? I wanna see the amazing make-up done by hakim!
GILA GIRL!

Anyways, here's the video. So ENJOY!

Why, Why now?
Why whenever i wanna do something or have something it always turns out wrong. It not like you don't know how i feel. U told me how you felt too. It's not fair to me. It's just not fair at all. Why do i feel so worried yet so irritated about those messages. Sent or inbox? Why is it that when i actually thought i was having the time of my life, something makes it imperfect. I guess nothing bounds to perfect. Nothing makes life easy. Not one bit. I wanted to tell you how i felt and i did. I cried one night. And then the next night too. Surprisingly i didn't the next next night. I felt ammune. I drank my sorrows away. Going back to my drinking to forget past. Why? Yet, im still not letting go. Thanks alot. =/

*If only u'd read & understand. sigh.

pictures!

2008-06-12T01:53:00.005+08:00

I'll say it once , so listen up.
My blogskin can only be viewed with internet explorer. Using mozila or firefox will make my skin look so messy, so to view it properly. USE INTERNET EXPLORER. thanks!

Alright, as promised. I'll post up DanceXplosion finals picture. I finally got it from that GILA GIRL, MASTURA. Enjoy!

these pictures were taken while we were dancing by greg, THANKS!

Me and Wawan's contemp. WE WERE HOT! LOL.

Me, FEELING.

Me again, after contemp leaving the stage for their part of music box. =)

These are the rest!

Presenting to you the F'up dancers!

Me! The hot and sexy me. =)

Mastura! Laughing cheebye partner. =)

Wawan! My Super hot contemp partner. =)

Ayul! Mr talkalot. =)

Haikel! The breaker cum Locker. =)

Fir! Mr random! =)

Ling! Miss ching-a-LING, never ending smile. =)

Ryna! Miss faint after competition. =)

And last but not least, fatthu! F'up #1 supporter! =))

Saturday afternoon, otw to tempanies.

First picture? LOL.

We just had to do a vouge pose, look at mas's face. LOL!

Syg her still after so many arguments.

Me cute, wawan not fierce, mas step cute, rena ok-ok and fir? wanting to get close to ryna. LOL.

Here's the after dance pictures. LOL.

The champion faces. FEELING, LOL.

We're ALWAYS VOUGE. =)!

We just had to do something like that.

THATS RIGHT!

The boys of F'up.

The hot and sexy contemp boys!

She feels like she's the spark of the group, get it?

SUSI =)

Just like brothers and sisters, LOL!

FAMILY.

X's funk LOVE!
http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b60/lorenzo112/DSCN0489.jpg
Me and the so called just got to know people! =)

Zu feat mael at the back, mesti ader punyer tau!

Me and sexy gothy ayeen. =) know what i mean bout mael? LOL.

Now the pictures after the comp OR what we called the after competition party! =))
Here's explaining the pictures why some of the faces were kinda out of place. It involved alcohol so forgive us and our faces! I think especially mine. LOL.

I WAS HUNGRY!

This was actually fake. Looks real huh?

We were all over the place. Mastura wasn't there at first, wonder how she got in the picture. hmmm..

I WAS about to PUKE okay?

Drunked boys.

She looks okay now, but after that. she wasn't. SWEAR!

Most of the pictures has my eyes almost closed. see it?

And yes, This is the Infamous GILA GIRl. But i still love you alright? LOL!

Most pictures taken at the competition was from fatthu! so thank you alot.
Next is to haikel, without you and your house of cause. We couldn't have enjoyed that much. I thank you also. =)
To the F'up crew. I LOVE YOU GUYS!

My St.james dance competition is on this thursday, which i actually today. Now. Its freaky and scary but im so gonna enjoy myself there! Im gonna dance till im at my last breath, i mean, till i cannot dance la. haha. Anyways. If able to come down, come. It's 25 dollars at door. So if there's anything or if u need to contact me. Contact someone who knows me, and make sure that person has my new number also. OH YA, i haven't told you guys that i bought a new sim card to replace my lost sim card. So i have a new number. need it? add me at msn alright.

Well,
i guess that's all.

* I'm just guessing it's the right choice.

dance X finals.

2008-06-09T07:40:00.004+08:00

Dance explosion was one of the best competition for me personally. It's so fun. Even not winning top 3 wasn't a matter cause to us, we just wanted to have fun cause we knew how the reasults would turn out to be. We treated the competition like it was some kind of concert. And we all felt like it really was. For F'up, we had a 2 days package of fun. We planned after dance competition we'd go and party. I'd elaborate later on details.

Apparently, haikel's family went out on a oversea's trip so we decided to shift in for 2 days. It started out on Friday, supposingly we were suppose to continue practice at haikel's after practicing at rp but everyone was so freaking tired so we decided to just go to sleep and practice real early the next day. haha. Yeah right. we didn't, really.

Saturday was the dance competition day. We all arrived without ling and aimm. LOL. and once dry run was done, ling and aimm then arrived. NOT SURPRISED. LOL.
We started practicing and all. and got all the make-up and hair done by 7.30.
Was told to report by 7.15. Or something like that, but i know that we were late by 15 mins. heart started racing and everything before it was our turn and i had to start feeling like wanting to cry and everything. NO IDEA WHY, but yeah. Thank god i got to hug fie at least that lifted my spirits ABIT. =) We perform and got it over with, with all the moves and expression i was happy, definately. Maybe abit dissapointed with the contemp but it was kinda sexy sexy. hahaa.
After performance. rena fainted and so did i but not as bad as her. SURPRISINGLY, no one came to me!! hahah. but i was able to stand back on my own to feet to rush to catch limited Kx's perform, but at least come to me with WATER LAH. haha.
take pictures and all. And we left to continue our party over at haikel's.

All of us drank. Got real wasted. Enjoying the time of the moment. I was real real happy sia. Really. without a doubt. But one thing surprised me, LING. She was one of the strongest drinker there, yet when i wanted to go puke after some time of drinking, she was there vommiting. as i wanted to vomit too, we SHARED TOILET BOWL. Cute sia. =)
I love F'up. =)
Wawan, Massytura, Ling, Haikel, Ayul, Aimm, Rena, Fir and also including dean for helping us with the prelims but couldn't perform on the finals because he fell sick. Thanks guys. I love every single moment with you guys, ESPECIALLY WITH MAS. GILA GIRL.

Pictures will be posted soon enuf once i get them. PROMISE!

*I don't know but, I miss you. Suddenly again. really i do. I'm confuse and i have no idea what to do now.

SKM FINALS!

2008-06-03T04:30:00.006+08:00

Well, Fantastic crew cheerleading got to the Semi's.
Then we moved on to the finals with so much tears, From me of course.
Didnt really expect to move on to the finals but we did and i was real gald. Oh and also i cried like i never did. LOL!! The performance for finals was perfect. All Stunts went up with a little struggle but all flyer still manage to stick up there up high. =) I am real happy. I was really able to smile so widely for both saturday and sunday. And also, Thanks to everybody who came down to support us. Its greatly appreciated. Thanks alot.

This is the video for the Semi final's reasults. ( There's a part in this video which you can see me crying ) =)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOLXjHTE7YQ&feature=related

This is the video's for the cheerleading finals.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mw3m9ar5hi4
Go visit alright?

Next up, Dance Xplosion finals. Counting down 4 days. =) Its coming closer with so many things to work on. I got to work hard for my most possibly last competition before starting work. Sigh, i will deffinately miss dancing. Maybe even my cheerleading. I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do. What i'm gonna miss. Who i'm gonna miss. Eveything will be cut off. It's not as easy okay. Trust me. Maybe to those who have already felt thing understands. Maybe syahril can take over my place!! =) ahaha.

Suddenly i'm miss fan crew. All the flying, stunting, falling off a stunt without any warning. I'm miss my bases. Flying opposite of Gee and khai. I used to stop having feelings for cheerleading but ever since this. Its like everything from before came to heart or soul or head. HAHAHAH. well, yeah. I miss it officially.

To fairul, hakim, gee, khai, mael, aimm, Kkay, Haikel, redha, a'an, wawan, alif and kemboja. I love all of you so much. Thanks for bringing cheerleading back into my life again. =)

personalities.

2008-05-30T06:31:00.003+08:00

Overtiring myself, Yet still unable to sleep at night when i get home. Only to be able to sleep after 6AM. Surprised? maybe not, but yeah it SUCKS big time.
I have no idea why and what's wrong with me. I Just can't fall asleep. Maybe just possibly, it's true what someone said to me about something missing from my life and maybe it is affecting me badly. It's such a bother. I hate this and i hate myself for this. It's crap and it's bullshit. whatever then.

To a certain individual. You know, what makes people hate you to the core. You know your imperfections and yet you overlook it and not wanna do anything about it. Your imperfections makes you the most imperfect person in this world. I'm no one to judge but it's just on my opinion and hatred for you. Too bad for you, too bad for your friends and too bad for whoever that has you in their lives cause is the worst things that could happen to them. you turn around to not only hurt but backstab them.
I pity you and them. You're no one to judge people when you're the worst amongst all. Talkin about you makes me laugh. You're a Laughing stock.
Shameless,loser and a hoe. is what you should be labeled as.

Dance 'X finals huh? LOL. yeah i got thru. I mean, the crew (f.up) that im in with got thru. Fucking surprised as i am. Top 8. which was supposingly be top 5. But tak jadi ( didn't happen ). As quoted from fie, We're the fillers. LOL! Anyways, congrats to us and to those that got in too. =)

Cheerleading SKM. This saturday. 31st may. Fantastic crew, semi's. Come down and do support us. Ngee ann city, taka. Our slot's at 7pm and we're the first to perform. Pray/support and whatever for us alright.
Its getting more stressier as the day comes closer. It freaks me out alot and especially at practice i feel so much tension, gosh. Scary. Don't forget alright. =)

I miss being able to smile again inside. I miss alot of things. In fact, So many that i'd won't be able to finish typing on time. LOL. But seriously. There's so much to say, so much to do yet so little time to do all this. I'm still wondering when i can get a job and get some cash. I've tried hard to find one, well, maybe not that hard. haha. But, having to sacrifice dance is a hard thing for me. I wanna keep dancing yet stopping isn't a choice.

I miss so many individual. Individuals i've yet to meet after so long. Yet i wonder when and how the hell we're ever gonna meet up. But there's one which i met up recently yet i still miss that one so much. Still thinking bout it. LOL.

Well,
i'm done with my post this time. well, without pictures. But i'll upload once i have pictures in my laptop. *lazy to transfer. LOL.

*fiqaelynefarrahidahpanshawnzaf&melamir
=)~misses.

*It'll all get better in time.

SKM heats!

2008-04-14T19:58:00.016+08:00

Here's the vid from that day's SKM cheerleading competition. And so i re-edit this post. We got the answer, And we got into the SEMI'S!!! YAY!! Which means more heart-pumping stunts, More stretching and more tearing of muscle. ahah! well, here's some of the pics for that day! I'm sooooo in love with fan crew cheer. hahah!

Here's fantastic crew, For a clearer view, click on the video itself:

Seriously, i miss you. I really do. I mean, its so hard to not think about u recently. I get so stressed up. Sometimes even emotional. I think its all in the mind but i can't seem to conrol it. really.

Oh and this is to some other bugger. Let me see, You got flaws and i dont. You're nothing and you're no one to say i'm an imperfection. or i caused the imperfection. You're shit. you're no one. Loser, you're a hoe. And if you think i'm talking about you. Don't perasan juboh. bodoh.

before my eyes.

2008-03-25T09:22:00.004+08:00

Its been such a LONG LONG time. It dusty. I know, it's just that i never got the time to actually update my blog. I've been so busy with dance. Just Couldn't get online. Even if i could, it would only be for awhile. I've got too little time nowadays. My life is like a train, just that this train doesnt stops. It keeps moving and moving. Thank god this time i'm occupied with cheerleading, Not dance this time round. Had to do a heel stretch for cheer and i wanted to see how high i could bring my leg up. I was surprised myself. haha. But all the intensive stretching paid off i guess. =)

Well, We've talked about life so many many times, And how we actually wanna lead it. Yet most of the time we hardly actually do anything about. This is just my point of view. Correct me if i'm wrong but we don't know what to do with it actually. I DON'T.
I get so stressed up and frustrated over it that i feel like giving up on life itself actually. Yeah, that bad. Well, not till the extend of killing myself that is.
Forget this topic. It sucks. I SO don't wanna think about it now. I "suffer" thinking about it. Dramatic? partly.

You don't like me? i get it. I had enough of you. One moment you're nice and the other moment you just suck. I Just dont give a shit no more. Whatever it is, you're nothing but a friend. Infact, maybe sometimes nothing close to my friends. Don't blame me for lifting my head up high whenever i see you. I felt shitty at the start, thinking if i made some big mistake, but as times pass. I just dont feel anything anymore whenever i see u.

I give up on you. You finally found your so called "secret-keeper" or "bestfriend". The one whome u can finally put your trust on. The one that keeps your secrets tight in. The one whome you spent so much time on, you dont realise where some people like me and someone are nowaday. I don't wanna bother so much. I dont wanna fight for you. Cause i do know that i was there for you when u needed me, But u werent there when i needed someone. Since the day u left. I just didnt want you to cheer me up anymore. Cause i know, U won't. I returned what u gave me.

Again, i wanna go somewhere far. Somewhere different. Somewhere quiet. Away from noises, away from naggings. Away from problems. Where no one bothers. I wanna scream out loud, clear my thoughts. simple said, i wanna leave.

Danceworks was an eye opener for me. It's the first time i ever took part in danceworks. And i guess i had fun. I competed with The-EXO. Me and Ayu joined them and helped them out abit. I had alot of fun, meeting and getting to know new people. Guess it wasn't a mistake taking part in it. =)

Smackthat 360 was held yet again at sengkang. Not a very well organised dance comp. Dancers taking part couldnt support other dancers if the people they wanted to support, came before them. I wanted to support mastura's group but we couldn't damnit. Although shits happen. The comp was a very nice one. Very fun.
We took part in the comp with a collaboration between karmasutra and X's funk, Kx's.
members involved, Ayeen, Zu and wardah from K.S together with Me, Ayu and fie. And We won 2nd Place! Whooo!
Limited edition won 1st place! Congrats guys.
The experience was a very fun one. That i won't deny. The bonding between the 2 groups was there. We all had fun, i'm sure.

I keep telling myself to find a job, go find a job yet i still can't find the time to find one. Dammit. It's so stressful. The fact that i've got people behind nagging also asking me me to go get one makes it worst. =/ Got to put in mind that i can't keep wasting time at home doing nothing but dance. yeah.

You know i hate you. Seriously. Even if you don't i couldn't care less. I Hate your guts. You're like pig shit. You're a plastic paste on fucked up shit. U just have no idea. You seriously think you're hot, well not. Given your "hidden" personality, which is actually nothing good. Guess you won't get far huh? You think you're the star of the group. You think you're the best. But seriously look at yourself in the mirror and say. "oh shit, i look like shit." Whatever to you. =/

People change. Comments after comments from people to me. Somehow it does makes sense that people change, I look around and i see 2 changes + 1 + 1 + 1 infact plus many many more. Yet, i couldn't care less also. You see, when people give me that comment, I agree. Cause i changed. I changed my attitude towards a certain group of people, oh wait. I'll rephrase that sentance. To some certain individual. Because of your attitiude. The way you people behave. I got turned OFF and not wanna bother about it no more. So be it. Say what u want, and i'll agree. And if u think i'm talking about u. THINK AGAIN. don't SS.

Last saturday's outing with the girl to ben&jerry's was a blast. The ice-cream was great. What's better was that everyone was there. The 5 of us bestie's were there, Shawn and pan, Zaff, lukman, syahril, khairul. I had so much fun. It seems like forever like we never went out together. And finally we did. Hooray for that =). Here are some of the pics we taken that day. enjoy!

I love ya'll!!!

2008-02-10T20:01:00.000+08:00

Alright alright. I've been away for a very, veryy long time. The fact that i was sick for two weeks. Took me away from the outside world. Making me stay home for 2 weeks, wasnt that bad. Gotta thank my mum for it. She is the sweetest mum i could ever have. she looked after me like so bad that she had to forgo her sleep at times. Sometimes i feel like im ungratful. I mean i'm always going out and not coming back till morning. Thats why im always at home nowadays. =)

Chinese new year just passed. I mean the 1st and 2nd day. Our family didnt celebrate the first day. Everyone was busy, the aunties and the uncles. So we made it the 2nd day. I celebrated my 1st day with Fiqa and her brother and his friends. Loads of fun. *I'm so in love with beyonce's dancing!! alright, back to the topic. We watched beyonce live in london. it was terrific. Fun and laughter the whole night thru. 2nd day was going to the aunty's house. I woke up having headache. Making me take medicine at aunty house making me so drowsy and sleepy i had to take a rest. Gosh. But i still had fun catching up with the aunties.

I miss doing so many things, I miss so many people. Yet i dont wanna do anything. I wanna just forget the world at so many point of time in my life. I wanna continue what i'm doing but if there is gonna be anything making me upset, i might just leave. Seriously, i give up tryna make everyone happy. I give up tryna please everyone. I give up. I just hate to frown nowaday. So please.

Oh yeah, if some of you still don't know. I got kicked out of ITE. For some reasons. LOL. I'm just gonna wait for my next reasult. I applied again for the april intake. LOL. I made sure i won't apply for F&B. I will never in my whole life apply for sucha course on earth ever again. =)

The fact that i went beyond my limitations. The fact that i forgo so many things in life shown me during my 2 weeks break on what type of person i really was. I really do not Care if any one of you, MY FRIENDS, don't like me, Or maybe i'm not your favourite friend. But the fact that if we don't have any conflicts with each other. You guys know that i will be by your side when you need me. So whatver to those to dont like me nor my attitude. Cause it's the way i really am that people wanna be friends with me and that's final. No more.

new years!

2008-01-02T07:44:00.000+08:00

The new year is here. A very tough one year just passed. Yet, I'm gonna miss so many things. Thinking bout it can just make me feel kinda down yet thinking bout it again, i could scream for joy. All the people i just got to knew last year. All the dance things, Cheerleading, School, Girls, And just too many to come talking about it. I wanted to welcome the new year with a new me, a big BAM. But i had to cry on that day. Things had to happen. I'm just so grateful to those around me that day. People i didn't really know. I thank all of you.

But thinking back, X's funk did Helped me welcomed the new year with a very big bam. Looking at how the Girls were, super hot. Looking at how us Guys looked like, even super hotter. LOL. What a nice way to help welcome our new year. Winning 5Th place wasn't a bad thing now is it? It was nice. Dancing with you guys just made it more better. Thanks to Mael for helping us out, Dancing with you was so much fun. The practices was a killer but it paid off in a way now did it? Our hard work, Victory? In some ways. Positioning was abit of a mess but we pulled it off here and there. The CARPET sucks. I love you guys so damn much. Seriously. And Like what qie said, " we ought to b conteNted wit wad we got. may we all blo0m int0 better individualS & dancErs. "

The fireworks after the countdown moved me to tear. Screaming out loudly like no ones there. Jumping up and down like crazy. How nice isn't it? But not having my girls around me just made it so much harder to celebrate. Every year without miss with them. yet they couldn't be there for me this time. Wanting them around me was one of the wishes. As painful as it could be, its okay. Having to celebrate the new year this time accompanied by KS people was so much fun too. Thanks guys. =)

Getting over someone last year was one of the biggest obstacle. Yet i managed to do it. Which makes me feel like I'm strong knowing I'm hardly anywhere close to it. I tried to put on a brave front yet it fell apart.
Its just that i expected something much more outta something/someone that day and today. I'm still stuck. Which i know i shouldn't. Damn. I've gotta be a good boy as quoted from someone. When its the new year, gotta just keep reminding myself that its 2008 now not 2007.

Its official, i got the course in clementi ITE. F&B. Don't know what's it all about but i guess im gonna go learn new things. Everything is gonna be new. Everything changed. I miss So many people. I'm gonna move on with a smile. I guess?
My New Year's Resolution? I guess its to be happy. Much more happier then last year. And alot more. Which is to be done and not said. =)

*iammissingyoualot.Nachoswithasmile.

Its gonna be over.

2007-12-21T09:36:00.000+08:00

Alright, I did just alright for my N's. With me always hanging out till next morning and always not paying attention to my lessons, I give myself a round of applauds. **claps-hands**. Didnt think i would get my score. Haha, surprised i definitely am. LOL. Anyways. I guess i'd be going to ITE, still at the stage of thinking of what course to go and the worst thing is, TODAY IS THE DATELINE. Just great lah.

Here's the thing, I tried to understand what a certain individual was tryna say bout me but i couldn't, I just couldn't. There was this definition about something, a word that was so called connected to me which i understood, but i wonder if that individual understands it "itself" which i found crap cause i found the word fitting that persons criteria more better. *coughs out softly the word loser* Oh and btw, i didn't criticise you BEHIND your bacck. but INFRONT of you. which shows me the type of life you are living in, denial. SERIOUS DENIAL. Which is like super sick. **rushes to the bowl to puke** , Childishness acts is so much better then having some ugly hairstyle on my head that looks super flat and bigger infact. It didn't help la those fake stuff. Try harder kays? You will forever be a loser to me. And to the other you also, whatever to you alright, cause you know my hatred for you will never ease.

To my 4 bestie's. The one's who stood by me at all times in swiss. Maybe not all the time but most of it. The memories of us 5 together after school will never leave me. Things are gonna change but i hope nothing will change this bond we have for each other. Resident evil will always be that place for the 5 of us, All the other blocks named after us will never be the same again without us. That bench we always wait for one another after school will no longer be occupied by us. Once again i'll repeat, i'm blessed to have not 1 but 4 girls by myside. Including this 4 years in swiss. You guys made it one of the most happiest times in my life. Its gonna be a totally new year for all 5 of us so lets make the best out of it. *LOVE!

To Fiqa, No more same school for us anymore. The past 10 years of same school with you was a blessing. Its so sad to have to leave swiss without all of us together. But its definitly gonna be different going to school without you beside me for the first day of school. I will miss you. I love you my GF.

To Elyne, The girl whome i know since sec 1 which is all thanks to swiss that i got to know such a wondeful girl. Not having you in the same school as me will definitely be a total difference. All those times with you will never be forgotten. I will miss you. I love you my GF.

To Zaq, The girl whome i know since sec 2. That girl that never fails to make me laughs before,during and after school. My times in school without you are gonna be a bore without your jokes. You will never fail to put a smile on my face whenever i need it. I will definitely miss you. I love you my GF.

To farrah, The girl whome i know since sec 2. You made such a big diffence in my life. You the big impact in my life. You changed how i lived in school. And hopefully we get to the same ite next year. If losing 3 girls is not enuf. I do not wanna lose another one. WE WALK INTO ITE TOGETHER HOPEFULLY TAU! I love you my GF.

Not forgetting Miya & Diyana, the 2 girls that made my class sessions so much fun. All those sleeping, eating, laughing and so many more things we did together. Not forgetting those picture taking during in-between lessons. All this memories will never fade away. You guys will always be one of the most dearest people in my heart.

The original boyfwens are back, YOU UGLY FUCKTARD!

*I hate to be stuck in an openspace.

take a min.

2007-11-30T17:27:00.000+08:00

Trust. Basically you tell things to people who gains your trust fully. Am i wrong to say this? Basically i share with this individual almost everything cause we've been through so much more together then we ever did with you, oh and that individual is fie if you're really that dumb to not understand. Like u said, a few months was how much we knew you. And we know how much you can't keep things to yourself and it will somehow get out from your mouth which is, our secrets. So why would we sacrifice something big that matter to us and to only loose it by telling YOU? I've got brains, Unlike you, i think first.

First things first. You decide your own fucking life. No one, I mean no one can force you to do anything. I don't belive what we did was forcing you to tell us. We belive in ways we could be of help. But you thought otherwise, and i can't be bothered to apologise on that. Cause the word FUCK YOU is in my mind sial..hahah..loser..

And fuck la, you know sia how much i loved that individual even when it was over. I was still tryna make it work so badly. Dammit. You of all people did such a thing, Like i said we regretted how much you were part of us boyfwens, THANK GOD, we didn't let you in that much on our very own secrets cause somehow foresaw this coming sooner or later. How stupid can you get you lifelow shit?

No one forced you to listen to whatever WE say. In fact you were the one saying " When can we go out together boyfwens sticks?" You were the one who wanted to come out with us, TSK! And slalu kene tengking dari kite dua? Eh puki, what a lie. More like we were always joking around. We get it too but do you see us typing in our blogs complaining "oh aku asik kene tengking dari korang sial". You're still so childish at your age. Yes, take all this as criticism cause maybe just maybe you'll grow up, but i doubt so.

Oh yeah, you were there when i cried. And i did tell you that we broke up. Not other people. CRAP.
Bad memories, english and so many many and i mean many other shit bout you that many and i mean many hates. Lowlife really suits you, despicable crap.
Thinking back, you never did prioritize us. You hardly, rarely thought bout us. Damn you.

Oh yeah, to the other party, who is in love with wawan. I don't care. Karma goes around. And many and i'm sure many will know that it wont last long. Why? Because forever is too good to be true. You're the fire starter. It takes 2 to clap. Which makes me hate you so much. But....forget it. Shitty pie hole. I still hate you and i will. Look in the mirror and think of what type of person you really are. The mirror will say, "Countless of hearts broken by you over and over which causes hatred from many, blasted bitch,damn you.". haha. But if i was the mirror i would have said that.

Both of you are Desperadoes, I've almost said my piece. Now your turn my true boyfrewn.

'One day love will find me in the rough.

Oh yeah, true/real boyfrwens sticks together.

shitty pie-hole

2007-11-28T13:47:00.000+08:00

You came into our lives without us knowing the real fact. That you're a deceiving low life person. Goodness, US trusting you was definitely a mistake from the start. Letting you in was another mistake. We told you things we don't tell other people. What's worst is that you've got that guts to say you miss us? Fuck that. I have friends to tell me things, It doesn't have to come from you cause it will in a way or another get to me from my friends. You were never anywhere better then me. Trust me. Oh and i regretted allowing boyfwens to be part of you cause you don't deserve it. NOT ONE BIT.

"you deserve a better person"," i want to spend time with my friends", "I wanna enjoy", "I wanna stay single and enjoy my singlehood".
All these phrases that comes from you, It just disgust me so bad. WTF. You make me regret myself for doing what i did so badly. Us being sombong to you? Look whose the one do the things that just make people feel digusted that being around you makes us uncomfortable. You fuckingly deserve every actions taken against you from me and fie. Crap.

Like i told you, Things gets to me you slut. You still say you miss him ar? DAMMIT sia. Goodness, your heart truely is like a gas chamber. Kimak, i'm so hyped up and ready to explode, I've yet to say my full piece to you. Trust me, This isn't the end. I wish u a never happy ending. low life fuck.

oh my, You are a super weird person i have to add on. So weird, you fall in love with anyone in a blink of the eye. Wait, u get my english tak? I mean, You call it love with someone just bcause you think u like someone. Weird? i think so. I mean retard. Shit sia.

`Tired of dreamin..

what does it mean?

2007-11-21T04:43:00.000+08:00

I'm having Shitty problems in my life. It sucks so bad i wished for one point in my life that everyone would just go away. Even at times now, i just wish that i knew nobody. I do not want anyone new in my life. I'm just happy the way with it without some. It would have been so perfect without all these things that could be happening at this moment. I mean it seems like its never ending. Im just at the side trying not to think much about whatever thats happening.

When it comes to you, you make a huge impact in my life. Without you, i really don't know who i really am. When it came to helps, you're that only one person i go to. That one person i could actually confide in. Advices, Helps and whatever i can ever think off you were there. But never did i thought i was "nuisance" in your life, Affecting your life and how you live it. I guess i was that another bugger that shouldn't have existed in your life.

When you think that things are alright. You do not see your own performance or actions. Sometimes the things you guys do, irritates or just disgusts us. And sometimes we do not see that motive or intention coming from you which makes us wonder if you're really trying or things has really changed. We try not to say anything to avoid any complications or fights between us. But i guess its time. Time to talk.

I tried in many ways to change my life. I'm still trying to understand what your real intentions are. I do not wanna know how you're living your life but i just wanna know what you really feel. What you really feel towards a certain someone or individual whom he wonders if u still treat him as a human being or not. Someone who tries his hardest to get you back in his life but to no avail, Me..

You keep trying and trying. And you find out that whatever you're doing isn't gonna work. Yet You keep trying and trying till you finally give up. Whats worst is that you know whats going on and that you still do it. Isn't that a waste of real time? I tell myself to stop trying yet I still am. What the hell. Trying to make things better. It becomes worst. Thats when i tell myself to not do anything anymore and just wait for time to pass as quickly as possible with smiles on my face with no tears dropping down every night. Yet nothing works...It's still falling.

`imissyoulikenever.chocolateindulgence.

fuck sia

2007-11-12T00:15:00.000+08:00

If me losing the person that i loved so much a happy moment for you people, good. =)
Oh, to make this a happier post. I didnt lose that person to any problems that had just happened. But to something very much personal between us.

Lemme just start off by giving credits to those who make my life a living hell. Don't get this sentence? What i'm tryna put to all of you is that i give u guys a very big THANK-YOU. Get it now, stupid? Lemme get this straight. Stop being so bloody stupid by going around telling people what i did, in a DIFFERENT story. Find out the fucking truth before u tell, and if it is the truth i don't mind so go ahead.

To those that tried to make me feel down or make me cry by doing or saying things to me. SORRY. too bad you guys failed. Try harder, maybe who knows your next attempt may be a success. But your chances are below 0 Which makes you look more stupid and me a much more above you guys type of person. Sorry, but i won't stoop to your level cause you guys are sooo below me. Losers.

And to those who tagged me at my blog telling me what type of person i am and what i did. If u guys actually think i don't know who the FUCK you are, guess again. I take down every I.P address and do a simple check. So basically, i do know who the hell are you people. Now if u have that moral deep in you, come to me and tell me to my face and see what i'll reply. DUMBASS. Or if u guys wanna make things much cleaner, say it on msn. I'm sure i'll understand your sitution.NOT.

Sorry to those that has that hatred thing towards me a failure, cause i'm not upset and i'm not to tears. HAHA.

Oh, don't worry. I'm not mad but offended by those words said by people that i so called call my "friends", NOT. I mean, if you realise what i've been doing to avoid you crappy shit holes. Then maybe you are smart but too bad in a wrong way.But if you Wanna make peace? oh i'm up for it alright.

All these began with a mouth. The first mouth was and is the one that i have so much hatred towards. I ain't gonna show but i'm gonna keep it. So to those who wants to continue the story bout me, go ahead. But i do wanna let u know that u have to keep yourself updated with was actually happened. i didn't sex with wawan. still don't belive? okay. i don't care.

FieFiqaElyneZahidahFarrahAyuQiePanShawnNizZafLukmanMasGreg
You guys are all i need.

To you,
imissUsomuch~

whats ther?

2007-11-10T10:03:00.000+08:00

layer 1: On the outside
Name: Shahrul Bin Ba'alwi
Birthdate: 24th June 1991
Current Status: single
Eye colour: brownish black yet closer to brown
BlackHair Colour: Golden brown with shades of black

Layer 2: On the inside
My heritage: 1/2 Malay & 1/2 Chinese
My fears: Those creatures, The roaches
My weaknesses: My emotions

My perfect pizza: Chicken/Bacon/ham and cheese sprinkled above

Layer 3: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
My first thought of waking up: What's going to happen
My bedtime: Think bout things till i fall asleep
My most missed memories: Those really happy times with those in life

Layer 4: My pick.
Pepsi or coke: Coke
Macdonalds or Burger King: Macdonalds
Single or group dates: single
Adidas or Nike: adidas
Vanilla or Chocolate: Chocolate
Cappucino or Coffee: Mocha frappe

Layer 5: Do you?
Smoke: Yep
Curse: Most of the time i guess
Take a shower: in 5 mins actually
Have a crush: nah, aint no ready yet i guess
Go to school: Done with Secondary school, Whats next?
Believe in yourself: At most times
Think you're a health freak: Junk food almost all the time

Layer 6: In the past
Drink alcohol: Up till now actually
Gone to the mall: All the time
Dyed your hair: Yeah, but never till this bright

Layer 7: Have you ever..?
Played a stripping game: Nope
Change who you were to fit in: Nope. Like me for who i am?

Layer 8: Are you hoping to
Get married: Very much. But not too soon

Layer 9: In a partner
Best eye colour: Misty Greyish baby blue
Best hair colour: Blond/Red
Long or short hair: Long sily straight hair with that bounce

Layer 10: What were you doing?
A minute ago: Doin this? surfin?
An hour ago: Watching tv
A Month ago: Went shopping?Chilling?
A Year ago: bein much happier i guess

Layer 11: Finish the sentences..
I love: my mickey
I hide: what anyone should be seeing on the outside
I miss: Smiling the way i used to
I need: to eat now, hungry.

Layer 12: Tag
1) Fiqa, Elyne
2) Idah, farrah
3) Fie
4) ***Not stating***
5) Nisak, Pan

I had to do this, Don't ask why. Crying was definitely lesser now. But yet, the aftermath still hurts like a hell lot. I try my best not to think yet its the only thing that affects me like all this time. I wonder what's on your mind. Really.

Recently, I just wanna get out of so many things. I wanna leave so many things behind be it one important thing or more then that or even if it affects so many others just by leaving one. I don't wanna get bothered by those things no more. And i wanna leave so badly..Soon i will..

When something or someone don't belong, It just don't belong even when u keep trying. Putting aside my situation, i'm saying this in a different problem/aspect.
Or when we don't belong, when in ways we deserve to be there and we aren't. Don't you think we're given rights to be mad?
Whatever already.

the aftemath

2007-11-07T18:10:00.000+08:00

I'm still so hurt by your words. Bestfriends tells me to move on. But yet it gets so tough just trying to think and forget. Sigh. I was really happy then, this is truely a shock to my heart. I don't deserve this, After all i've been through. I don't one bit. U compare my last 2 previous post. Can u see the difference..?

whaver.

2007-11-06T08:48:00.001+08:00

You have no idea. No idea how much it hurts. Crying every morning and night since that day. Its like i have no feelings at all. To say i hate u makes no sense at all. I guess saying i hate myself suits the situation. Its pointless. Drinking my sorrows away every night. So i dont feel a thing, I know its stupid, Trust me i know. But What better way do i do it? First kiss and i knew u change the game, I never felt this way with anyone before. I thought we were so in love. I belived in us and most of all, i trusted u no matter how many countless of warning i got, thats why i hate myself for loving u, till now..

I never did what i did for you for anyone else. Never. Yet whatever it is. And you're the one to blame. U made me trust u. And i did. I lied for u and ended up getting hurt so badly now. Im sure to those that hates me being with who i was with is now finally happy. The truth is, I never went for this person for fame or whatver. If i did, I wouldnt be posting this, I wouldnt be crying. But it was for who this person was really like. Stupid and a fool i was. I'm speechless now. For once my smiles came finally from the heart. U broke it and now its no longer what it shud me. I'll take care. I hate myself for loving you..

so what did i do wrong to deserve what i got now? someone tell me....

whats beyond me is you.

2007-10-29T14:56:00.000+08:00

I'm confused. I don't know to count myself happy or sad with the situation I'm in. Its crazy, Something close to nuts. I'm very happy being with you, but there's parts here and there which makes things difficult. I know you'll never get it, and i don't expect you to cause its very much beyond you.
I wanted to write more on this part. But lets just keep that inside first. Sigh. We're together now. And i don't want no more problems. I had enough of problems after problems. What you did for me, was really. unexpected. I was jumping like a mad person. I don't know which category to place that under, i guess. Joy.
Overall, i love you very very much from my heart! *kisses!

There's so many things in my life now i regret. Alot. Past, Present and whatever is next which is the future. Its so frigin scary and i do not want anymore trouble. I'm just happy the way i am without those craps. But of course i want more, Im sure everyone wants something more add on to their lives, More things that makes our lives moving. One way or another, or maybe even secretly. Who knows? I don't. Seriously. Do you? That's why people are all confused. No one really knows what they really want.

This Friday, Sphyntrix jalan raya. Finally. After so long, Was actually thinking if its never gonna happen. Thank god for people like pan we can count on. haha. So people of sphyntrix, Its this Friday. Do come alright, Give any others a miss but not this. We have to make it as enjoyable like last year.

My prom night, or what my school calls it the "high-tea" Is coming soon i think. I so can't remember. LOL. I have yet to get the clothes needed for it yet. No idea why i get so stress everytime i think about it, the money, the places to get it, the right one. Sigh. I wonder how its gonna turn out, i mean how i'm gonna look like on that day. Thankfully i've got a digital cam now so its easier. yay, i promise to show u how it looks like la. ahah!

Yeah, i guess that's almost all i have in mind now. I was from "lepak" since last night and i'm going to sleep now. Till then...

I miss mazie so badly.. Its been like a week or more since i last saw that person. I so can't wait to meet you. Gosh! *hugs & kisses.

forever it will be

2007-10-17T08:40:00.000+08:00

This post goes out to one person, She's been by my side for 10 years now. She's my GF, as in girl-friend. get it? And she's my darling bestie. Anyways, she's non-other then my Afiqah or what i call her fiqa. =) Happy birthday darling. Wishing u all the best in everything and hope you have a very happening one this year. Smile always babe! Syg ko.

Anyways, I'm finally happy! Yay! *hugs!

its again.

2007-10-10T01:08:00.001+08:00

Its finally over this time, Those hell-killing N level's. Actually there's suppose to be school but hey, hair is dyed and i cant go to school anymore. If not, it gets cut off, bald. Yeah. I wanna go for the school trip though, the air-force thing. yeeah. Other then that, Its all happiness. haha. Except for work which im still deciding, But i'm sure i can't decide. Either that or dont work and always lepak lepak. HAHA.

It gets to me when friends dont place friends infront of those that won't last or maybe impossible to last, alright thats beyond me. Back to the topic.. I'm sure we know ourselves that those who will stick by our sides when we're down are those people we call "friends". Lets keep family members out of this cause we know they're definately gonna be there in ways. Its so irritating. I don't wanna handle crap no more. Thnx =). If you guys still don't get it, I get affected badly.

Hari raya is once again coming. In fact its considered tomorrow now. Its quick huh? Its so heart-pumping yet i cant wait for it. I bought everything needed and i guess i'm ready in ways. I definately didnt complete my whole month of fasting, which i know i'm suppose too. Hahaha. I wanna meet the girls on the morning of hari raya, to meet up and see our colours. Its so gonna be hot.

Titanic fam planned to meet up during the night of raya. hahah. With everything on. NO way, definatety not. I'm sure we'll all play that "POM" game. Which in baju raya i cant, cause we'll be prespiring like crazy. LOL. Anyways. I had alot of fun with you guys these few nights of tonning like mad with all the games & laughter. I sure had fun. Thnx guys! -thnx for laughing *snaps finger 4 times. hahah.

I wonder if this year sphyntrix is gonna make an jalan raya outing like last year or not. I kinda want it so badly, have been thinking about it like alot lately. I hope it happens though cause its a must have outing with them type of thing. I miss everyone like oh-so-badly. Really. ok, maybe not all. But if i state everyone's name, I'm gonna miss a few out so better not cause i've not slept yet and im sure i will. haha. I miss you guys okay?

Afiqah,Elyne,Idah,Farrah,Hakim,Melamir,Miya,Diyana,Mas And Dirah(X's funk),Pan,Shawn And a whole lot more.
People that i miss so badly. Really.

You're that special to me. I smile whenever you're around even when i'm mad. At this rate i'm kinda sure you're the one, being with you just now was really very nice. Especially the ending when you were leaving. That i definately smiled widely. I'm still thinking thou, although i know im not supposed too but there's always part of you when i have to start thinking and getting all stressed up about. I hate fighting with you really. *smiles.

Oh yeah, the pictures are not posted yet. Will get it into the post once i get the picutes from "FARRAH". hahah. Check once in awhile alright! *hugs!

I guess now i can say, I miss my mickey mouse with the chocolate indulgence.. =)

Again it comes.

2007-10-04T00:27:00.001+08:00

This is gonna be a short one. Dont wanna read? Don't force yourself.
Anyways, i missing so many things right now. I miss dancing, cheerleading, friends. I know i'm still doing all these but not as often as it should be though. Its so difficult not having them. But its still beyond me.

For once i thought i was letting go already. I was on the verge of letting go actually. Yet, it always comes back to you. I wonder if im the one on your mind or someone else. I still don't know. You're always on my mind, That i can assure you. You're not assuring me like you're suppose to though. I thought i was hapyy. Well, i am but not literally. Get it? Im still waiting like always, for who know what. Now i wonder if i should carry on or just move on..

N's are gonna be over soon, and i so cant wait. Friday's my last and im out. I just hope everything goes smoothly like its suppose to. God bless me.

Again it comes.

2007-10-04T00:27:00.000+08:00

This is gonna be a short one. Dont wanna read? Don't force yourself.
Anyways, i missing so many things right now. I miss dancing, cheerleading, friends. I know i'm still doing all these but not as often as it should be though. Its so difficult no having them. But its still beyond me.

For once i thought i was letting go already. I was on the verge of letting go actually. Yet, it always comes back to you. I wonder if im the one on your mind or someone else. I still don't know. You're always on my mind, That i can assure you. You're not assuring me like you're suppose to though. I thought i was hapyy. Well, i am but not literally. Get it? Im still waiting like always, for who know what. Now i wonder if i should carry on or just move on..

N's are gonna be over soon, and i so cant wait. Friday's my last and im out. I just hope everything goes smoothly like its suppose to. God bless me.

uh-huh.

2007-09-28T02:48:00.000+08:00

Dangerous people walks amongs us not knowing what they'll do next or when. Not showing us the type of people they really are only after a period of time or when something has acutally happened. But once their agenda is revealed, we can then take steps to protect ourselves and the ones we love. Those people are under the catergory of " Fuc*ed up shit ", they can cause us great harm but sometimes those harmful stuffs are caused to themselves and thats when we can shout " YAY! ".

Haha, Yeah, This is one of those things i wanted to post of quite sometime but didnt had the time too. I also didnt wanna post it untill i've checked throughly and that the time is right. Well, i guess its time. LOL. Everything i post has a reason,
well, that part above has a reason, a very big one. Its Shit.

Oh yar, I ate donuts today again. hahah.

Anyways, My N's are resuming next week, and i tell you. I'm f*cking worried although i dont show it. But god! Its fu*king next week sia. Am i like suppose to smile? Knowing next week's subjects are the shittiest ones? Nah-uh. I am so not gonna fail. Cause i cant afford to. Math, Science and DNT. Shit? Very much. Agreed.

But then again, After the N's i can finally like have a break. Im sure i'll miss my classmates. All those troubles with teachers as a class, All the fights among the classmates, All those crap i do with the Miya and Diyana. All the singing sessions/Sleeping/laughing just because of teacher's accent shit during the Chinese lessons with Miya. LOL. Will i miss all these when im actually dyign to get out of that hell hole or in other words my school? HELL YES.

Get money spend. haha. Thats my mum. YAY!! I'm gonna get money for shopping. This saturday i'm going geylang to get my " Baju Kurong " with family. So yeah. But Shopping can be done on my own. High-cut shoes, Tops & bottoms. Oh goodness. i so cant wait.

You can never know someone completly, About how someone really is. Everyone keeps their personal stuff. No one really tells everything. Its always almost everything type of thing. You never wanna get a comment like i-know-you too well type of thing especially when the source of it comes from someone not really close with type of thing. We all hate bitching but hey, I'm sure almost everyone does it. Worst to worst, once a day. Its so funny when you get to know about it and instead of getting angry you laugh to it. 1 word, Fu*k-up-shit. Shut up, i know, its 3 words. Shit.

Why do i feel there's finally chemistry yet its different in a way. Sigh..
I miss the chocolate indulgence cake. Somehow, alott.

Godd..

2007-09-21T01:13:00.000+08:00

There are times where most of us have problems with most committment. And we may be surprised when the commitments gets forgotten or when it slips us by. True committments are hard to commit, but when committed the outcomes are always good.
Sometimes we wanna hurt someone cause they've hurt us. Sometimes we wanna spare ourselves the trouble. We move on better without those people in our lives. Heard it somewhere?..

Lets start off with My prelims, I'm scared. I dont know if i did well or bad. I think i did fairly well. Im sure i can score a band 1 for english in N lvls. Cause i did in my prelims, Hopefully i hope. My maths and science, i dont think so. Its getting tougher and tougher as i go. Arghh.. I'm so not talking about this right now.

Next issue, I so cant stand the gossips or mouths that has been or had already been going around. Can't like anyone mind their own business? Stop poking your damn noses into other people's business. Freaking get lost. Continue if you must. Spoil my name if you must But juet to let you people know its not really affecting me thou. Even if it did, It wont last that long.

I miss a bunch of people BADLY. Really. Its like SO long since i last hanged around outside with them.
Eka, VL, SPHYNTRIX, Pan & Shawn, Intan, Laila, Melamir, Nadia & Farz and a whole lot more to where those come from. It was so fun then. All these different names can make my day brighter. Really.

And yes, i've changed pictures. For no good reasons actually. Sometimes you need to move on from the things you've already been having for some period of time. Haha. Okay im crapping. Mind me, its beyond me. Anyways, performance is tomorrow and this time its cheer. Gosh, im so worried for god-sakes. There's a stunt im not really confident in going up at. STICK IT. haha. Come if you can okay? Call me for details. LOL.

For the first time? Jelousy.

Dont ask me what im waiting for cause i dont really know. But then again there one thing.

Maybe its that godiva indulgence? Or Maybe its just that feeling.

smiles.

2007-09-14T04:53:00.000+08:00

Lets start of with something happy for once. Its the fasting month already. Gosh, I just realised like how fast time really flies when you're in alot of activities. I've been in so many this year.

From practicing for teacher's day with the girls and not being able to perform, From joining X's funk and entering suntec dance competiton for the first time. From winning 1st place at ulu pandan dance competition with D'max. From entering Nationals again this year with sphyntrix and a whole lot more to where that came from.

It's no wonder why time passed so quickly. I'm taking my "N" lvls already. Gosh. Its really so scary. I took my maths prelim paper yesterday and i tell you, it wasnt easy at all. I wonder how i'm gonna do with my Science paper 1,2 and 3 later.
After school, I'm gonna have to go to practice again for this upcoming performance at Zhenghua CC this saturday at 2pm, to those who wanna see, come la. haha. LOL.

Like always again, there's always things i wanna type but have to control and fight the temptations to not type it all out. "jage hati" or in english, Look out for people's feelings. I do not wanna have any dispute with anyone you know. OH YA! I totally forgot. The day i've been waiting for came. haha. I'm not gonna say what, wanna know ask me. haha. I'm like so glad it happen. It feel like i do not have a camera following me around anymore from behind. No more news reporter reporting to HQ. haha. Those who get it tell me. ill try to answer you. haha! woohhoo!

Anyways, i miss someone so bad. Really, I mean its like. That feeling. The feelings that stays deep in your heart. The feelings i'm not allowed to express. I feel so closed. Like i've got nothing. really. I cant express and i cant say, i cant do, and basically i cant no more. I feel controlled. i hate this feeling so bad. I want this out of my brain, my thoughts, my mind or just out of me. Leave me and dont try coming back cause it hurts so bad. Really it does.

I asked the girls, why is my smile getting faker. Only one girl replied. You're not smiling from your heart you see. Feel it. Thnx elyne. It helped so much. I love my girls, Wanna know who? Afiqah, Elyne, Farrah and Idah.

Simply, Godiva indulgence. There's a difference.

lyrically involved.

2007-09-04T00:17:00.000+08:00

Time,
Time waits for no-one.
Time heals all wounds.
All of us needs/wants more time.
Time to stand up and grow.
Time to let go.
Time to know.
Time.

I've waited for this chance to come online to blog. Its been sometime. And alot, ALOT of things been happening lately. And i can be hardly bothered with anything. I just wanna start keeping the things to myself. yeah. There's no point where you actually keep telling people things and it gets to other people for no good reason. And the worst thing, they're of no help at all.

Just recently, i noticed someone always poking their nose into someone else's problem. Or just simple, my business/problem. They're what i call, extras or busybody or in bahsa pasar, KPO. If you're no help and you go around trying to find fault with people, oh trust me you've got no life at all. Somehow whatever u wrote didnt even bother me one single bit. I noticed that you're a real irritant, you're so fake and further more, You keep trying to update youself with news that dont concern you at all and making the matter worst by telling things which dont make sense to other people and without even knowing the real problem. Stupid? Definately. There's a whole lot more to this matter but why waste my time typing this nonsense especially when the person is someone like you. Shitty. And oh yeah, i'm not the only person who thinks you're childish enough for your age. haha.

There was something that me and the girls looked forward to which was performing for teacher's day. We've practiced so hard and yet we don't get to perform. How shitty is that? Very much. Don't give excuses like we're having our "N" lvls so we cant perform. IF you guys don't like us. Just say it. But its impossible, cause we gotten all 3 ticks from all 3 judges. Efforts gone to waste. Just gonna look forward to Grad nite. Oh wait, Swiss cottage don't have grad nite. We call it the "high-tea". One word, FUCK.

So many days have passed, and i feel as though im suffering in silence. Never in my whole life would i ever thought or wanted to be in the problem or situation im in. I know its my fault. Nothing should have even began in the first place. I trying to get out of this. But time happen to not be by my side at this point of time. I'm all alone and stressed up whenever i think about this. To those who are actually involved, i'm sorry. I wanna get out of your lives once and for all and not get caught in this. I dun want this. I really dont.

Many told me and made me realised something, which was about post. Count this in and all my other previous post which is almost all of them are all about my sadness. There's hardly and happiness in any of them. That hit me straight in my heart. I'm sorry to my friends once again.

There's so much i wanna write about in this post. But i'm sure its gonna be a 2 page story. I gonna keep it to myself again. haha. Anyways, to those who actually took their time to read my blog. I'm still gonna carry on smiling. I'm not gonna get myself stressed up over all my current problems. Im still gonna stay happy and not be sad for this moment. This is one of the crucial time which i should not get too into the problem. Lemme rest and stop for the moment.

Guess what i want now? A piece of Chocolate indulgence cake.
I miss it.

I guess its time to give up.

mistake

2007-08-20T20:25:00.000+08:00

The biggest mistake, I blame myself for doing it. I Know i shouldnt have done it being unsure with so many thing. I feel like those people, whome i'm nothing alike at all. I Feel stupid and dumb. I didnt thought that it'll turn out this way. I'm not gonna say what i feel towards you here, i'm just gonna keep it in my heart. It hurts more and more as i think about how bad im gonna get hurt if what i want doesnt come my way. I've been assured but is it true. I guess it is. I Just want something. And i dont know if i'm gonna get it.

To someone, Someone from my past. Someone who is under the term of PAST TENSE. You keep saying that i'm immature. Or childish or whatever, just BECAUSE i was never by your side. Go ahead, look who is the one now being the things that was said by YOU? hahah. You're doing things to try to make me feel wasted but hey, I'm not bothered. You write things to make me feel as though it was a waste letting you go, but thank god, nothing you did moved me. Im still as sterdy as a rock, whoever understands.

Suntec dance competition last saturday was a blast for me and my crew, X's Funk. I had so much fun. The tension just before the dance was so scary, but somehow this time's feeling was so much different. I wanted to perform so badly. We were No. 15 to perform. What was nicer was that some of my classmates actually came down to watch me compete. Miya, Syakila, Joesph, Azean And Diyana. Thnx guys. Apart from that there were other people supporting us to. Thanks to all of you. =)

But i still love you. I wanna follow my heart. And i guess the best way is to not try at all but just to wait and see.

Chocolate indulgence, goldiva chocolate, Mickey mouse. I miss you again.

A right man?

2007-08-14T12:52:00.000+08:00

I got myself into something i know i shouldnt have gotten into. Although i know i shouldnt be saying this but the fact is that im having feelings for you ever since that day. Its a fact that i'm trying to deny the fact. Its real tough especially when i don't know whats the real truth. Its even more Shitty when you're out of contact. I had thoughts of giving up that day but hearing you say what you said made me stay on. I should have stayed away. I know that if someday things just dont go the way i want it to, then ill be the one hurt in the end. I'm already missing you when i just got to meet you yesterday. gosh. You're special, really are.

I feel so busy these few days. I mean its like school first. Then its Religious class then its dance practice. I don't complain but im sure its just for these few weeks. My suntec dance competition is this saturday. PLEASE come down okay? Support us " X's-funk ".

I've been thinking alot lately. Especially when i'm alone, on the way home and when the atmostphere is cold i tend to think so much. Problems after problems, Commitment after commitment. Im trying really to focus on the important things more then focus on things that affects me.

Anwyays, school sucks big time today. I swear i feel so exhausted waking up for school and actually going for it. I Had my prelims today. English paper 3, Mt paper and CPA paper 3. I was late again today. And i swear that there was at least 50 people late. Stupid DM caught everyone and ask everyone without reason to stay back and meet her at 2.30 after school. I finished school at 11.50 and can already leave. What ever reason for would i want to stay back? gosh. To hell with you. Shitty pie-hole.

But smiles don't last forever do they?

Run away bride/groom, Mickey mouse & Godiva chocolates. I miss you.

What more?

2007-08-01T21:36:00.000+08:00

Push those lies and gain the truth.
Yes if you're reading this, i've given up already. You took in those lies. You pushed the truth or should i say you didnt want the truth. Whats worst is 3 people told you those things. Whoever they are, I guess they're not my friends or they're just out to bring me down. I'm over it. I'm sick of it and i'm tired. Too tired in fact. When i told you i loved you. Never did i lied, It all came from the heart. Don't come telling me anymore things. I don't wanna listen, but if i've hurt you. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. You didnt think that i'd be hurt too huh? You got me thinking so much i was affected even in school and outside. Why i'm still out with friends? Its cause i know i'd be happy or they will make me smile. Its beyond me nor my feelings now. I give up. not that i didnt try. But i did. I swear. You kept bringing me down everytime i made my decision. Thats all.

I was late for school today. Real late. I couldnt stop the tears last night. Ended up sleeping at 4.30am. I woke up with such a bad tummy ache. I wanted to cry sia. I went to rest and ended up going to school at 8.50am. I KNOW. Its super late, but i didnt want it either okay. Really. but it was kinda nice. Form teacher caught all those who were late. luckily i wasnt the only one late but with the company of 5 of my other classmates. All after 8am. yeah. We got punished real bad. We did alot of standing, From outside the D&T room to Outside the Office. I think in the whole 5 hours of school today. 3 Hours and a half hours were spent on my punishment, STANDING. Thanks teacher. Thanks so much. But he did help me with my battery compartment today at D&T after school. finished school at what time? 5pm. yeah.

I've taken it in and i'm trying. No time was given so goodbye. I guess...